Chaotic Rants

I’ve run the water in the bathroom just so someone outside the door would think I’m washing my hands when I’m not. This is who you’re following.

I’m fucktose intolerant

i think i don’t wanna know what my cat calls me

Not as many nature shows sponsored by life insurance companies as there used to be.

America's most notorious child rapist, Jeffrey Epstein, said this man was the worst person he'd ever met. Let that sink in.

Im a fraud. I eat trail mix but never go on a trail. I drink Gatorade but no part of me is gator. I buy kind bars and throw them at people

I use my middle finger to block.

The whole mall is strippers?

Ok so i like to listen to audiobooks while I shower, and the audiobook I’m listening to now is Psycho. You see my dilemma

Things are suddenly much clearer...

I think that song “All by Myself” was written about my preferred sexual position

When you said foliage I was imagining spinach, romaine, arugula. Really creeped me out too. Lol

if you’re gonna call them blinkers instead of indicators when changing lanes, shouldn’t they be winkers

Thermal image of a cat taking a shit.

Deleted scene from Predator (1987) 😂😂

Peacock is a terrible name for a boy

People just fuck up everything by talking politics.

The West Wing is now just the Wing.

Assume the best, get burned. Assume the worst, get burned.

they’re a 10, but their personality is like listening to Americans narrate a soccer game

The soul-crushing thing of it is knowing that if I went to bed right now and got 9 hours sleep…I’d still be tired tomorrow.

I hate typing "raven" into a search bar and getting the old Cleveland football team in purple uniforms.

my parenting book would just be a series of sighs of different lengths and varying punctuations for different occasions

I have never been told that I am not funny by someone who has seen me naked.

You've been Mastadumped? 😭

The deployment of tear gas throughout the Chicago area is a growing health concern. ICE is deploying tear gas in residential neighborhoods, near children, playgrounds, stores, etc. What are the health implications on our communities?

Hear me out, a website for selling the stuff that you bought when you were too drunk and ergo meet like minded idiots.

I clean out the lint trap before I do laundry because people are lazy.

I clean out the lint trap after I do laundry because I am not one them.

Can’t spell Uranus without u n us

(Does that make any sense?)

One wrong tug and your entire life unravels.