Chilliwack Daily Chronicle (Satire)

Seattle penalty called; ten yards for gyrating.

This quarter is brought to you by Telus - “walk far to reach somebody”.

This half time show has been brought to you by Bass Pro Shops, because “It’s a good time to go outside”.

Olympic officials are asking for patience while they clear titanium and carbon fibre debris from the ski slopes.

Seahawks player tackled by ICE agents mid-game for wearing briefs with tag attached stating “Made in Venezuela”.

1st down Seattle at the 38.75 meter line.

Join us for Olympic coverage tonight including interviews, women’s hockey, and ads featuring middle aged athletes. But don’t worry - we’ll keep you up to date with all the medals before you watch the events!

Our team would like to wish our entertainment reporter a speedy recovery from the psychological impacts from watching “Melania”.

This Team Canada Olympic update is brought to you by our sponsors LeChapo Lip Balm and McCrackin Parcel Sevices.

Prevedere ritardi?

@bcferrys.bsky.social is there any availability on tomorrows 8pm sailing to Genoa, Italy?

Chilliwack’s own Jedediah Klassen expected to bring home gold in the 2000m umbrella pursuit.

Due to ongoing extortion threats, we have no choice but to resume providing high quality parody news to you.

An elf with purple hair riding an ornament like it is a wrecking ball.

Merry Christmas #chilliwack, and may your holidays be filled with joy, parody, and free of frivolous lawsuits!

Does this include the 8PM sailing from Tsawwassen to Schrödinger Point?

How smashing! We’ve already advanced booked our tickets for the first sailing of the Spirt of Oppenheimer.

Of course not - Red Noses matter.

Briane from Chilliwack asking for cash handouts for bingo tickets.

This Christmas, please consider giving to Briane from #chilliwack to help her in her pursuit of happiness through the purchase of Lions bingo tickets.

Perhaps their article will start a resistance movement.

Sunday’s deep dive article was supposed to be an in-depth look at cyberterrorists. But our hard-of-hearing reporter just gave us 5,000 words on the fiberterrorists who force people to take their Metamucil.

We are as shocked as you are, #chilliwack.

We’re sending our entertainment reporter to the Trump Kennedy Center for a performance by musician Kandy McPealing performing Beethovens violin study in g string.

Less coverage later.

Mount Rushmore updated to reflect the current time.

Our IT department hacked into a remote private network and obtained this unreleased artistic rendition of a soon to be defiled iconic carving.

*lake

For a moment our sports editor thought Quinn Hughes was in the midst of a fentanyl stoop, but no, he was just immensely disappointed in his team.

Expect delays on all BC Ferry sailings to Costco Abbotsford departing from Chilliwack.

Our paper was founded in 1892 by Ignacious Giesbrecht, a settler from Dummkopf, Paraguay. Despite that, we fit the bill.

We have reduced our sailing times on major routes by 700% !!

Please give a follow to the real Chilliwack news on Facebook. They’re doing a wonderful job of satirical news.

We have no affiliation with them, this has been a fun creative outlet and we are happy to symbolically “pass the torch” and move onto something new.