Jon Tucker

Doesn't matter where I am, I clap at the end of every song.

Physically, I could make 90. Mentally and emotionally, no way.

No Memory November. When I forget everyone's birthdays.

Unlike most people, my b.o. is delicious. Sausage and peppers, mustard and onions, and sometimes I emit the aroma of banana.

I'd program the time machine for "$6.99 Cheeseburger trio," or maybe "$5000 house," and see where it takes me.

If I traveled back in time, I'd probably just go shopping. Past era prices, man!

I've been finding out for 20 years. Can't even remember the last time I fucked around.

Weapons of Mass Delicatessen

I have three children. Their parents must be very worried.

#CrappyHalloween

and gummy form.

Meanwhile, Carney and Taylor were seen kissing in a grocery store checkout line.

In a twist of fate, Katy Perry is now the Prime Minister of Canada.

Constitutionally, every one of us must now learn how to dance in high heels and lose 25 lbs in two days.

My whole mood changes when there's ice cream in the freezer.

My feet wanna dance and my throat wants to sing. I bob and weave past the flying fists of bad thoughts. I sit down with my furniture and tell them old, clunky pieces that I love them.

The thief I just caught: I'll see you in Hell.

Me: No, you won't.

All food should be served in candy bar form.

Back when I was a kid, the scariest thing in literature was a footprint.

Life Lesson - Don’t sew up the hole in the crotch of your sweatpants while wearing the sweatpants.

Michael Corleone: “It’s okay, we can walk to the curb.”

Just met a guy named Dan Steely.

Algorithms, like love and romance, never go my way.

Instagraft is just the shittiest.

I will never use ice again.

#fuckice

"Baby Make Boom-Boom" is a banger.

My adopted son Rickles just went double-platinum, and he's only four!

How many albums have your children cut?

Why learn big words when you can productatiously contrivicate your own?

Could someone invent a font that articulates 'seething.'

We gotta smell this human fart for the next three years.

Clouseau Latte

"Hey Kid, are you really that fast?" I shouted.

Standing next to me, actress Jennifer Tilly then said "shut up" to me.