loopy loony tunes | edsky

theres so many forms of discrimination in our society, sexism, racism etc & i do think it counterproductive to rank them in severity but one disgustingly downplayed & normalised is ableism! which is ironic bc out of all of them, becoming disabled is the only one we ALL could potentially experience

Looking at old pics of yourself at your lw is pure torture I’m huge now I want to starv3

1. is the only option i want and he doesn’t want it and i don’t blame him i wouldn’t want me either in general but especially after hurting him but he doesn’t believe me when i say i love him more than anything he’s my soulmate and i wanted it to be us forever….

so i would just have to get sick enough she says she can’t put up with me & send me back home
4. apply for council housing, probs stuck in a hostel
5. immediately get back on the drugs & i’d go even harder this time
6. hopefully die that way considering i should have died long ago

right so naturally i am the most heartbroken and empty i have ever felt since my bf broke up with me. i have seen the only plausible outcomes:
1. he takes me back n i do everything to make it right
2. i try to kill myself
if 2:
a. die
b. live
3. my mum told me “she couldn’t do that again” abt AN

anorexia you’re looking awful lonely over there

bro that was so sus i just cleaned my nose bc there was a huge ass blockage blood chunk so i literally just unplugged it but omg the mess the blood the NOISE WAS EVEN worse but my nose is once again clear so 🤫

i bet now that i’ve ended up in an episode i regret taking all the tramadol when now i actually need it broooo

crazy who can make me the happiest can make me the saddest

i know i’m spiralling and i know this is an episode but its hard bc there’s a sliver of truth to it. if my boyfriend could be with a woman for 12 years, marry her, have a child with her, fall out of love and divorced, what chance do i have? a mentally ill drug addict retard whos only good for sex 🥲

I CANT CATCH A BREAK MAN I GOOGLED WHY DOES SAYING NO MAKE ME REACT LIKE THIS AND IT WAS LIKE “FEARING REJECTION OR ABANDONMENT” bro i have bpd i live in a constant fear of abandonment.

if i can’t perform sexually on command like some blow up sex doll i feel useless and worthless and start comparing myself to all of my ex’s former partners and literally spiralling to the point i absolutely hate myself

if i ever say something genuinely awful, i *want* my friends to tell me to shut the fuck up

ngl if your friend says something terrible and your first response is to try and bail them out, you're a bad friend

i picked up 60 tramadol on thursday and i already have non left… they were supposed to last me 2 weeks 😐 why am i like this

no shower but a couple ketty baths. no food. i lost like 10lbs of fat. day 7 dealers were MIA so the neighbours came round, we did cr@ck w them. they stole most of the mugs lmao. we reloaded by night. we were college dropouts so no responsibilities. it was a scatty, fiendish time.

we would get a big order in the morning & a big order at like 7pm. when we ran out of money, i went into debt & my bestie gave sexual favours. sometimes dealers would hangout w us for hours. when we had no stimulants, we’d do K then 4 get in bed and “rest” until we got the call. so mayb sleep?

we were on md (pill & powder) coke and ket.
“explain how it worked in detail. did you shower? sleep? who stayed?” fri - sun days most of the friend group stayed. then the unemployed & dropouts only. eventually it was just me, my bf, my bestie, her bf. ppl would drop in.

someone posted abt the time their afters lasted 14 days n i was like ours lasted like 10 days once and people were confused, judgemental and impressed all at once. first it worked out bc i got ready for the rave at my best friends house so my meds/birth control were there & change of comfy clothes

i was 3.5 years sober. i thought it couldn’t hurt bc it would just be recreational every now & then, not what its turned into.. i don’t regret getting w my bf though i love him or him not telling me straight away bc i would have probs missed out on an amazing relationship

all this bc i thought i could handle it. when i first started seeing my bf, he was selling ❄️ on the side but he didn’t tell me until i had feelings, then i thought i wont get addicted bc i never had in the past damnit

like i am so shook by my dad asking me if i’m taking or getting drugs, that i have some ❄️ in my drawer and i don’t even want it? preparing it and consuming it feels like a chore.

this is kinda a good thing bc i was getting out of control but i couldn’t tell anyone bc my dad would kick me out & cut me off & my bf would break up w me. so this is the closest to being held accountable without my life falling apart… i need to stop. i know i do.

now that my dad has said something about me maybe using again, i’m just not gonna use at all. i will pay my debt when i have money but i won’t pick up even then. only time will be as a treat if my partner decides on it.

this is kinda a good thing bc i was getting out of control but i couldn’t tell anyone bc my dad would kick me out & cut me off & my bf would break up w me. so this is the closest to being held accountable without my life falling apart… i need to stop. i know i do.

now that my dad has said something about me maybe using again, i’m just not gonna use at all. i will pay my debt when i have money but i won’t pick up even then. only time will be as a treat if my partner decides on it.

he also told me he really didn’t want me to ruin things with my current partner. like i swear they love him so much he’s the potential favourite child 🤣 and to think my dad had reservations at the start due to the age gap. he really doesn’t want us to break up. lucky for him, neither do i so 🤷🏻‍♀️

he said he wasn’t sure if he was being paranoid or not but it was like de ja vu how i used to go to shop to score in our country now i go see my friend for 10. apparently dad wanted a full investigation. mum said just ask her. i reassured him anyway, he said he does trust me but it was so familiar

i am a terrible person. i said i was nipping to see my friend for a moment. my dad asked me “ur not getting any shit off [x] are you?” i said no shes never even been into that. when i got back i asked if i could come in there room a sec & i asked my dad “where did that come from?”

i think that was my finest work yet. i wrote absolute filth for him to wake up too lmao