Bill Bored

They could've spelled it, "e-🐠-🐜."

Duh Amy, you gotta cut it with something.

Beatles songs about drug use

The Bong and Winding Road
Yesterdaze
Sgt Pepper's Lonely Herb Club Band
Maxwell's Silver Roach Clip
Lady Marijuana
Get Baked
A J in The Life

Yellow Submarine (Sandwich That I'm Eating Because I've Got the Munchies)

He looked at you quizzical
Before the physical?

I noticed you binge watching your dogs

I liked the older Planet of the Apes movies, where humans played the roles of the apes. These modern movies with real apes playing the parts of apes are not as convincing.

Jameson & ginger
Jameson & soda (seltzer)
Jameson & water
Jameson on the rocks
Jameson neat
Jameson Manhattan
Irish boilermaker (Jameson & Bailey's dropped in a Guinness)
A shot of Jameson
There are so many options!

If you are selling kittens and puppies to the highest bidder, you are an awwwwwctioneer.

*after eating 12 Fudgesicles*

Me: Time to get to work!

You: They actually sell popsicle sticks at craft stores.

Me: Don't question my art!

You've got a weiner in words.

Always read the boxes. Breathe Wrong Strips® will literally kill you. I’m not sure why they even sell them.

Actually, it's one word repeated three times, "ew! ew! ew!"

Great news, guys! It's almost cargo shorts season!

Me: *kicks everyone out of my halite pit* This is a salt MINE, not a salt yours.

i am world fameless

"jism is the belief of jizz"

I can either get down or get funky, but not both.

*slips you a fiver*
How 'bout now?

I bless the rains down in Africa.
So I guess, bless you too.

Scientists figured out the language of whales. Mostly it’s blubbering.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Three wrongs don't make a right. Not even four wrongs make a right. Does anybody know how many wrongs make a right?

Do I go upstairs to check on her and risk her wrath at waking her, or do I wait for her to come downstairs to chastise me for not being attentive to her needs?

I might be turning Canadian. I just apoulougized tou myself four putting mayounnaise oun my hout doug.

Me: Hey Google, what's the difference between Samsung Galaxy S21 and Samsung Galaxy S24?

Hey Google: Samsung Galaxy S3.

The snow is shoveled. The fire is roaring. I'm sitting here with a glass of red wine, enjoying a rest after the labor.

I know it's only been 20 minutes, but a 2 lb bag of M&Ms is still $16.00.

How come there's not a country dedicated to baked goods called The Dough Nation?

The name is Kloesoph, Oliver Kloesoph.

Chat gpt told me updog is one of the great unsolved mysteries of the universe