stabke

BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil emerges and is immediately detained by ICE. Six more weeks of fascism.

Groundhog middle finger up through the snow

This does not look promising

A bear looks through the viewfinder of a camera on a tripod.

“What are we doing again?”
“Birdwatching.”
“How does this work?”
“First, we look for a bird.”
“And we eat it.”
“No, we take a picture of it.”
“Then we eat it?”
“No, we write down the name of it.”
“And then can we finally eat it?”
“We don’t eat the bird, Gerald.”
“This is stupid.”

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

[First date]

ME: I was named after Marie Antoinette

HER: but your name is Dave

ME: I meant chronologically

Burning a flag will never be as offensive as draping it over his coffin will be.

[interrogation room]

Detective: *SLAP* I’m tired of asking, Baggins, where were you last night!

Captain: Johnson! For the last time, you can’t treat a suspect like that!

Detective: sorry, sir, it’s a hard hobbit to break

Not to brag but I can now carry $250 worth of groceries into the house with one hand.

Let me shave your legs, baby. It'll be sexy.

[later]

They said to keep putting pressure on it till the ambulance gets here.

It was the best of times, it clearly wasn’t the now of times.

but at least there's nothing terrifying about Mr. Beast's wide, warm smile and absolutely dead eyes

An elderly woman is sitting in a shopping cart in the area normally used for children’s seating. A younger woman stands next to the cart.

omg how long have they been there

Moving the fridge into the bedroom has proven to be a bit of a monkey's paw situation

A miniature greyhound (?) sitting like a person on a seat, wears a turtleneck sweater vest, looking sadly at the camera.

“Your grandmother worked very hard on it. Just one more, then you can take it off and go play with your friends.”

Why is it called “animosity” when humans are far more likely than animals to hold a grudge?

Supermarket cucumber display with sign reading “CUCUMBERS can help reduce constipation.”

i hope the first one works because i just don’t think i can fit a second one in there

one fish two fish
pee fish poo fish

Me: When I die, I want be cremated

Husband: Should I write that down now or wait till—

Me: Yeah no, when we're done having sex is fine

Interviewer: please finish this sentence: Life, Liberty, and-

Dude: underage torture porn

Interviewer: Perfect. Welcome to ICE.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but cops are not allowed to shoot people just because you didn't do what they said.

That is called murder when they do that.

Some cops are working hard to convince people otherwise.

Fascism means never having to say you're sorry

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.

you could probably capture our president by writing "nobel peace prize" on a pie plate and putting it under one of those boxes held up with a stick tied to a string

If the USA had a good Mom she'd have said no you can't have Venezuela, we have a failed State at home

hey remember when a bunch of middle-aged drunk korean lawmakers climbed the locked gates to the national assembly to hold an emergency session after the president gave illegal orders to the military, all of which ended with said president being sentenced to prison

The “child sex trafficker to world leader kidnapper” pipeline needs to be studied

when you experience not understanding what's going on, your choices are:
1) do the work to understand
2) decide it's not for you and move on
3) freak the absolute fuck out and churn out take after take about how [thing] is destroying society.

if you chose 3, congratulations! you are Conservative

the only "2fa" i wanna deal with is 2 fuckin' 'amburgers

Two tamanduas face each other, standing on back legs, arms up, backs arched.

David Attenborough [whispering]:

“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”