Mary Mayheminem

Can’t. Avoiding reality.

March 15th Playlist:

•You can’t hide your lyin’ ides
•Ides without a face
•She’s got Bette Davis ides
•Blue ides cryin’ in the rain
•Smoke gets in your ides
•Can’t take my ides off you
•Ide rather go blind

Pronouncing the word police as poh-LICE

I don’t know about you but I find the constant rage to be quite slimming

fun fact: Julius Caesar's last known words were, "why's everyone acting so fucking weird???"

C.R.E.A.M.

Cats
Rule
Everything
Around
Me

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
Went out, had a few drinks, nice guy. He's a Web Designer.

Some people make you sorry you met them immediately and frankly I think it’s a good skill we have

the best accessories will always be books

I tried LOL’ing but WTF’ing is as far as I could get

I wish that everything worthwhile wasn’t hidden in a cave behind a waterfall but that’s just the way it is kid

am i allowed to talk to futurechild with only a comical accent for the first few years of their life as a bit

Husband seducing me with dryer repair [swoon]

A 1980s sick day with some Bob Barker Price is Right and alphabet soup would fix me.

Oops, I did it again (bought more books I fully intend to read… eventually).

“Baby steps,” I tell myself as I straighten my diaper and toddle off to the Gerber casting call

Why do we call it running errands, rather than store trek?

pingu, who are you?
i was forced to post this post
by a platypus

The question with no answer: is the laundry in the drier cold or still wet?

R2-D2 vs. the Butlerian Jihad

"Kids, hold daddy's glasses while he battle raps this fool."

Forever chasing the high of those scented markers that smelled like fruit. I mean I think they made you a little high 🫠

My 17 y/o just taught me how to say the word “asymptote” and my day went from obtuse to a-cute.

I pitched this joke to her and she told me that I can’t mix up maths like that and still be funny. Joke’s on her, I’m never funny.

I’m starting to understand why old people are so damn grumpy.

Not to brag but I just sneezed and my cat said gesundheit. Which is wild bc I didn't think she spoke German.

if I get 10k followers by march I will quit your job.

After 23 years I'm still excited for my wife to come home from work but mostly because I don't know how to pay the mortgage.