Miss Havisham to you.

Every time I buy a fun, new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!”
& I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!”
& she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!”
& I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

My skeletons have their own closets.

It's hard to break it to four-year-olds that their best years are behind them but they're going to find out sooner or later.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I love a thrill... like when you hold down backspace and it starts erasing like 10x faster fuck

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

I was arguing with a guy at a bar. He said he was a big pop star in the 80s.

I didn’t believe him, but he was adamant…

Somebody needs to invite me to a fancy party. Getting dressed up might temporarily bolster my will to live.

Katie. It has been far too long, but I’ve found you. (NOT in a creepy way 😂). 💜

I think it’s important to remember that “the village idiot” isn’t necessarily that village’s ONLY idiot, he’s just the most famous one

“Someday I’ll show my teen a video they haven’t already seen before,” I whisper into my morning coffee.

*Random Self-Aware Plant just screams forever*

The American flag is beautiful, flying at half mast, steeped in the symbolism of our collective sorrow.
Children play a game of football beneath it, happily unaware that symbolism effects no action, still.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

Pharmacist: may I help you?

Me: Can I see the menu, please?

More shall come.

Oh, my, no.
Humble-bragging that my lit education got me nowhere, possibly, but I do miss mass literacy.

Movies and books are my favorites.

A sign for “IMPATIENT PARKING ONLY 7:00 am - 5:00 pm.”

“OMG Stanley, just pick a damn spot!”
“THERE. Are you happy now, Alison?”
“Took you long enough.”

A striped cat appears to be “yelling” at a kitten with the exact same coloring. The kitten’s eyes are wide open and their ears pinned back.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

No one fucks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.

Indiana Jones and the Fucking Audacity of 2025.

I don't like the person I become when my phone starts ringing.

I didn’t ghost you. I dissolved in the silence between your breadcrumbs.

You know they make the blenders loud so you can't hear the fruit screaming.

Call me unhinged, but I just ordered six books on minimalism.