Lottie-pop 🍭

I’m not cute, it’s just an illusion

But they just keep on coming!

date: I think we’ve actually met before

Picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

Giving myself directions like, "get up, use the bathroom, make lunch" then ending up in the kitchen holding a new roll of toilet paper asking a cat what the fuck I'm doing... totally normal, right?

danny devito is the most underrated disney princess

I’d quite like to not go to work tomorrow but my bills and fondness for not being homeless say no

Beautiful intelligent women walk around with imposter syndrome and a shirtless old fucknut will send you a DM asking for a picture because he has all the confidence in the world

[sign in the Terminator's kitchen]
come with me if you want to live, laugh, love

"New day, new me!" I announce hopefully, right before I hit my shin on the bed in the same spot I always do

There’s no crying in baseball, bird watching, or erotic embroidery.

need a dating app for the ppl whose fave thing to do is nothing. no hiking. no adventure. just ordering takeout is enough for me.

Do you feel seen?

You have testicles? That's nuts.

I’m no yoga expert but I have mastered the downward spiral

Hi, I’d like to return these turtles. They don’t do karate

I don’t wanna talk anyone anymore unless they can help me break the ancestral curse that has plagued my Dad’s side of the family since the 1800s.

"I'm street smart", I say, unable to do basic math.

The police can never just pull you over. No, they always have a million nosy ass questions: "Why are you naked?" "Whose blood is that?"

🤗😄

Right! 😄

I don’t agree with ‘you snooze you lose’. Snoozing seems like winning to me

I'm like if an intrusive thought was a girl

if posting is an art then i’m eating the crayons

I can't cut a straight line so I leaned into it with scissors that cut scallops

Why is singing in the shower acceptable but not doing plays?

is there a Mommy long legs

And then satan said " lets put alphabet in math"