Tonya Says Things

we can’t go back. so start figuring out what you want the future to look like.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you're probably using too much rice in your paella. If you want to make more/bigger servings, you need a larger pan.

Cake is a lie.

A turkey is fenced in behind a sign on a post reading “LLAMA.”

Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.

I really wish more people understood this. It's also why getting upset they won't acknowledge their hypocrisy is a trap. Don't waste a second trying to get them to admit it, they already know. The hypocrisy is a feature, not a bug, and the lack of shame allows them to believe they deserve it.

I say this a lot but I am a soft creature in a fanged package. I love gentle things. Soft things. I love joy and laughter and I am way too sensitive for all of this nonsense. Many people in darker times have felt similarly, but it's exhausting to have to put the sweetness aside to spit acid daily.

A screenshot from a recipe website. At the top the text "Lamb and Clams". Below that "Eating in - 03 August 2020". The picture shows a beige bowl with brown broth. There are veggies...chickpeas and red peppers, I think. There are two open clam shells and several slices of lamb meat, cooked somewhat rare.

WHOAAAA BLACK BETTY

- everything here seems nice but something is actually very wrong
- discredited scientist's insane idea saves the world
- ensemble buddy movie where bad guy memorably gets his comeuppance
- couple that hate each other try not to fall in love
- space lasers

What are your top 5 movie genres? Mine are:

- Roaring rampage of revenge
- Reluctantly, I must resume my life of violence
- On reflection, the risk assessment on our giant monster facility and/or attraction could have been more thorough
- Girl survives
- Crime but make it quirky

What are your top 5 movie genres? mine are:
- men having a big fight and a cute little car chase because they’re in love probably
- when there’s a vial of something
- big poofy dresses
- the scary and also hot ones
- when someone doesn’t know they’re a ghost

Been told that many times. I was very well known in the biz, would be near impossible to stay anonymous. And already did a solo show about it. 😁

But really, nowadays, nowhere and no one is safe.

so do you pronounce it “peppermint mocha in red holiday cup” or “crossing the picket line” you piece of shit

As a former professional phone sex operator of 15+ years, believe me when I say y'all would die inside you knew what I know about what turns men on. And yes, I'm talking about your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your husbands, your coworkers, not some nebulous bogeymen.

I actually believe it's their plan to deal with liability of prez's age and mental decline. They'll let him hang himself, won't have to cede power or admit to puppeteering dementia daddy for a while now. My crazy conspiracy theory is Vance will divorce his wife and marry EKirk, just in time for '28.

As he slid into the greedy maw eagerly awaiting him, Bubba couldn't help but whisper, "quiet, Piggy."

Dark comedy about a billionaire who hears the phrase, "Kindness costs you nothing," and drives himself insane trying to find a way to monetize kindness

If sexuality was a choice, then explain heterosexual women

[doing my little middle aged morning stretches] i bet i could still make the league

Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.

Sign on a library book drop sign requesting people to yell "NOT A SQUIRREL" to confirm they are human and not a squirrel trying to steal Keith's lunch.

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
squirrel: *disappears into book drop*
me: *whispers* forgive me, keith

everything everywhere all at once

— my boobs when i take off my bra

Now I understand why older people are calmer… after you’ve died enough times inside, you learn to breathe, let go, and simply be.

No one should gloss over how appalling this is. A president who feels this comfortable demeaning women, and so many others, is nothing short of embarrassing and shameful.

If you get to a trillion dollars you should have to start the game over from the beginning at a higher difficulty like your parents not owning a bunch of emerald mines or whatever idk that’s just a random example

CEO: We need to cut costs.

Accountant: We paid you $50 million last year. You are being paid $1 million for this meeting.

CEO: Who's that in the hallway?

Accountant: That's Greg. He is the only thing keeping this company together. We pay him in nickels and Grubhub gift cards.

CEO: Fire Greg.

a charcuterie board of various grievances

Bette sits outside on a snow-covered porch, gazing through a glass sliding door. Her fur is softly illuminated by the warm indoor light, contrasting with the untouched ridges of fresh snow around her. Inside, a wooden floor and patterned rug hint at the cozy space she’s hoping to enter.

‘I know I said let me out but let me in’

sorry about that, this is my first time being alive

Diabolical that I have to live through a second generation of Clinton dick jokes.