Kellalena

Saying “um” is like using duct tape for conversations.

we are under reacting about everything

I'm going to start my own soda brand, then sell it to Coke or Pepsi so they can ruin it.

Oh, wow you’re so edgy

What’s your damage, Amy?

What

House cleaned, bathroom cleaned, and refrigerator. Binge cleaning is done and closes blinds so everyone thinks Im not at home.

Remember its not just a mistake. You failed.<inspirational>

May all your Super bowl bets be winners.

You don't have to accept a apology when behavior goes unchanged.

figure skating singlehandedly keeping the sequin industry alive

Watching Pans Labyrinth and waiting for Bad Bunny highlights on social media as it was written by the ancestors centuries ago

at what point should I mute the word valentine

Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: had about 23 Michelob Ultras

Cop: alright, so no

another word for glad tidings is obituary

I bet sound engineers are a lot more frustrated since the phrase "drop the mic" came into existence

I applied for a job the other day and they indicated that they would be doing a credit check to make sure that I'm a responsible person. A credit score does not indicate that.

FUCK ICE.

You thought I wasn't funny before! Now I'm REALLY not funny!

Don’t forget the hair dye

i blame the groundhog

the snacking has begun

No-one lies across a piano singing anymore.

Please don't stereotype the Italian ski slopes. The courses in other countries also threaten to break your legs.

an Olympian Gus Kenworthy Pisses 'FUCK ICE' in the Snow. He smiles proudly as the fuck ice is proudly displayed behind him in yellow snow with impeccable penmanship

say what you will but the guys penmanship is impeccable

Wonka Willy: Chocolate flavored condoms in golden ticket wrappers

Looks like I chose the wrong year to be in my soft era.

It's all fun and games till the authorities* show up

*my cats when I'm making a tuna sandwich

[Arby's drive-thru]

(muffled voice from deep inside Trojan horse): ask for extra horsey sauce