fred's slaxx

Something really cool should happen

She makes me want to be a better business bureau.

VETERINARIAN: This is the hardest part of my job. You've given Clifford a long and happy life, and I know he loves you very much. It'll all be over soon. *loads rocket launcher*

Who up fighting they gorillas?

a bidet with a windshield wiper feature

they should make a jesus tracker like they do for santa or new years so you can be like oh shit he is risen in sydney

at confession reading my bangers to the priest asking if god thinks this is funny

I recommend being wrong once in a while. It's very good for the worst parts of your ego

one great mystery of our age is how the only way to motivate rich people to work is to give them loads of money for no reason but the only way to motivate poor people to work is to take away loads of their money for no reason

They called him Sleepy Joe because we could sleep at night.

Tinker, Tailor, Soulja Boy

It’s true what they say, SILICA GEL “DO NOT EAT”

Happy birthday!

I don’t know if you’re prepared for the absurd tonal rollercoaster of this NBC network schedule promo from 1982…

I wasn't born yesterday. I was born last week.

Ope, I'm walkin' heeere!

According to sources, I'm on one

If you’re in line to scream into the abyss, stay in line!

This margarita is delicious but I've been sober for a decade so I'll have to pass

Please tell me I'm not the only one who comes up with a fake reason for why I can't buy the free sample item at Costco.

Yes, 14.88% off, we call it the Mike Lindell special

That will be ten million pennies

No they're all so happy because they drive a splendid motormachine

People are saying there's nothing wrong with this idea. Saying very strongly.

I finally got a Costco membership again. My impulse control is lacking and my money is in danger. I have so much tortellini.

repost is trans people should have free boneless wings

I love boneless wings :3

Jogging with the devil

First goes, your honor