Ineffable Jeff

Probably because people who employ the First Amendment to try to influence the government are easier to ignore than the ones who regularly threaten to use the Second.

CNN "appearing to be journalists," and with closed eyes

"Appearing to be journalists" is more apt than "appearing to close his eyes."

His eyes were closed, and not just for blinking.

You folks, on the other hand, have the pretense of being journalists — but your eyes are also closed. Try opening them, just once. You may be surprised (or, shocked).

I use a rain simulator.

I'm assuming the skies are too crowded with the unwashed, and one of their private jets had to go around once before landing and it messed up their tee time

Nice try, but no. Absolutely not.

Unless you're saying that every single human is intrinsically beyond value...but if you're saying that, I will eat a hat.

Close-up of DJT, with some pretty obvious contrast between his made-up area and the pallor of death on his bare skin.

That's not exactly exculpatory (though the shadow does darken him quite a bit)

"c'mon people, who doesn't enjoy a good steeking every now and then?"

An unopened sleeve of Oreos with 13 cookies, for some reason

"How many Oreos should we put in each sleeve?"
"Uh...thirteen?"
"Sounds great, do it!"
— some sociopaths at Nabisco

"But, because this is America, you still have the right to cry about being hit by a sandwich until you pass out."

I can imagine that a similar scenario had recently played out already, and was the genesis of this article.

"You look just like my mom. What a weird coincidence!"

"The mere passage of time does not diminish the beauty of the word 'groceries'"

Why not just high-four everyone you see? It's just a rounding error.

I must confirm that I am *not* hooked on a feeling, nor am I high on believing that you're in love with me.

"Better Late Than Never"

Guys, he's not gonna do you.

Except figuratively, I guess, so, yeah — you're effed.

So proud to vault this to 3/125ths of the way to our first celebrity reveal

Oh! That's the answer, just checking to make sure somebody got it! Nice work.

This seems to indicate that things were more complicated centuries ago?

The more I read your post, the less sense it makes.

Oh you poor dear. Not getting the scoop on a pending prosecution from the defendant. Devastating. How will you ever go on?

Hire clowns, get a circus

Rent bootstraps at $20 a pop, to help the kids pull themselves up

If you support Gavin Newsom, even in the slightest, even if it's just his AI slop social media posts, you're signaling you're as eager to get rid of trans people as the most rabid Trumpist. You just want it done with a frown instead of a laugh.

...but somewhat ironically not DEI

maybe "dire risks" is an anagram or something

"Every time I walk into a medical facility, they are like, 'Let's give this guy a mental acuity test because he looks and sounds sharp as hell. Let him show us what he's got!' Also, they're crying. Amazing."

This take is dumb. You probably don't realize that, and you'll never guess why.

"Are you at all familiar with the current Speaker of the House?"

I can't imagine that they'll go out of their way for the best, state-of-the-art fire suppression equipment is all I'm gonna say.