𝒜𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓁 𝑜𝒻 𝑀𝒾𝓃𝑒 🌙✨

I’m allergic to shark bites.

My wife was sitting on the couch looking at an actual map so I said, "Oh no, is the internet down?!?"

If I could abolish one word, it would be "sorry."

Good things take time, we're not in a rush; we can pick a tempo that we know can work for both of us

The high road is simply the road you get high on

At this point I feel like car manufacturers laugh when they install turn signals.

I promise you, you will never regret having pure intentions and a beautiful heart. All good things come back multiplied.

how dare you bring milkshakes into my boy free zone

Most of the people here who say “Asking for a friend” probably don’t have any friends.

perfect. watch out aisle 3 is haunted by metaphors

ooooooh me time 🎟️

I think the nicest thing my wife did for my birthday was to leave town for the weekend 😎

We could drive each other mad in the best way, if you want

Goddesszilla

Silence of the Yams, starring Sweet Potato

Silence of the Hams, starring Ms Piggy

I'm not sure how to make jokes right now because reality is such a joke already

the music the neighbors are playing loudly in their yard sounds like hold music

I passed the bar.

But then I turned around and went in for a beer.

i’d write you poetry, but it would turn into a grocery list halfway through.

Stopped at a gas station to get some Tylenol sinus severe pills. I hope they work. I now have a sinus headache.

my best skeets were posted when you were offline

it takes a lot of effort to get a crowd to start the wave which no one at this funeral seems to appreciate

not using weeks to give my baby’s age but using seconds

If you scroll past this post without liking and reposting, your genitals will probably cease to feel pleasure

If you should ever fall, know that I'll be there to catch you. With arms wide open and a heart full of love. A safe place to rest.

an exceptionally hard elbow drop to my spine would fix me