AbeFroman

disturbing if literal: toothpaste

Sorry I can't make it, I'm listening to Black Sabbath today

Joggers? Oh no, dear. These are sitters.

My butthole is thriving. Thank you for asking.

flushing the toilet and letting God sort it out

siri and alexa? sorry, i don't know them.

My 3 favorite strokes

- luck
- genius
- penis

Finally fulfilling my oscillating fan’s dream by taking him to a tennis match.

My son looked at me and said bro, lightening bugs are sick how they control that light and he doesn’t even get high.

The price of authenticity is sometimes being disliked.

Everything you want you already have.

I’ll be rooting for the sharks this week

Triglycerides would make a beautiful name for a girl.

One thing a lot of people don’t know about Bono? Foreskin the size of a duffle bag.

You should never betray your heart or your friends

I went to a tire store and asked for a rim job.

They threw me out.

Establish dominance by farting freely.

Choking on your skeet it's so good

OnlyFans, but it’s just me aggressively tasering people who say “FriYay” without irony.

Another day, another what the fuck are you looking at

wanna get so close we bend the laws of physics? orbit me, slut

Existing is exhausting. I'm too tired for this shit.

The pain relieving patches stay on during sex

How the hell does Boboli have an entire display still? Who is buying their loved ones 90s trauma food?

One time* I bit my own finger really hard while consuming a store-brand cheese puff, just so you know who you’re dealing with

*just now

Going to start posting fitness maps of my jaunts to and fro the refrigerator.

I may not Always wear an adult diaper when I’m older.

It Depends

Grass is just a big scheme from the Lawnmower cartel

just me and my arthritis against the world