Ashley

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

I drink coffee, therefore I am.

WHY ARE WE HAVING A STAFF MEETING TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT IN FUTURE STAFF MEETINGS?

Today is my last day of being a sarcastic bitch, I swear.

This is where we come to recycle our old jokes, right?

Why is singing in the shower acceptable but not doing plays?

Boy Math is thinking Joe Rogan will make the pain go away

Scooch over.

My Twitter tweets are lame enough. There's no way I can be any better here.

What’s it called when you’re out of things to say so the convo ends?

Afterwords.

I don’t think my therapist understood intrusive thoughts when I told her don’t turn around.

Excuse me while I use this zoom call as a mirror to groom my beard

“Do me a favor."

“Does it involve me getting up?”

“…Yes.”

“Sorry, but I don't give any favors.”

I dunno what do you wanna talk about

Your phone battery lasts a really long time when nobody talks to you

Nothing but the best 👌

Love it when you knock on someone's door and all their dogs freak out and they answer the door mad at you

I think Columbus Day is a bullshit holiday, but if my employer tells me to take the day off I’ll accept it.

It has come to my attention that Candy Crush is NOT a dating app for people with Type 2 Diabetes.

My safe word is cattywampus.

Merry Xmas is acceptable.

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

Anyone: Can I get an Amen?

Me: Ew, no. Can't do that. Sorry.