mike☺︎! (discount dracula)

No wait, this was a bad idea

The glasses stay off during sex

I don’t get diarrhea, I get even

I simply cannot WAIT to go to bed tonight and lie awake worrying about shit I can't control

wow, okay, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cereal. didn’t realize he was a really scary vampire

People my age are getting married and I can't even get a message back (on my ouija board)

Sex is like pizza, no matter how bad it is you’re probably going back for seconds

By your mid-30s you should have an opinion about something that you refer to as "my theory"

my hipster pup wants to dress up as a dog for Halloween
ironically of course

I couldn't remember the name Cybertruck so I called it a T150 Sad Man Teeny Peen Edition

Chester Drawers was my stripper name in college

🏆

I wish mornings weren’t so early.

Just had a swig of a Diet Coke I’ve been nursing for four days and two multivitamins. LET’S GO! 🤘

Hello sharks. You’ve all felt water misters on a hot day. BORING.

I’m introducing the Diet Coke fizz mister

realizing perhaps i a m just a piece of garbage

taking some time to reflect

iPhone screenshot of a draft for a post on Bluesky by me that reads, "A Christmas themed cocktail called an Ebenezer Screwdriver."

Saving this for December

I'm glad we don't have invite codes here anymore. I wouldn't give them out to anyone.

Mayor Quimby standing at the podium of the Springfield Town Hall, banging a gavel and saying, "People, please. We're all frightened and horny." from "Night of the Dolphin" in Treehouse of Horror XI.

Every time I log in.

Highkey everything is aesthetic

I’m like if a panic attack were also kind of ditzy

bok choy would be a lovely name for a chimkin

So the unfunniest man in the world walks into a bar and the bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

My top suggestions of books to read this World Bread Day...

- The Focaccia in the Rye
- Yeast of Eden
- Flours for Algernon
- The Lion, the Witch and the Warburtons
- Pannetonement
- The Naan in the High Castle
- Leaven Las Vegas
- Pitta Rabbit

Oh to mysteriously disappear into a crowd of people on a busy city street as large bus passes by

Me: I have a date with Destiny!

Destiny: *ghosts me*

A dangerous game I like to play called "I Have Time to Do My Laundry Before Work"

Aw fuck, we're in the nazi Peacemaker universe, aren't we

I don’t see why reality should be allowed to affect me if I don’t want it to