mike☺︎ (discount dracula)

Tech bros shocked that normal human beings enjoy thinking

let's drill a big hole in the earth and fly planes thru it

to those of you having a day, I just want you to know I am here for you to tell you more bad jokes. I’m not even done.

Have you tried adding a LOL at the end to make it funny?

Fueled by pop tarts and power ballads

Gas Station Egg Roll would be a good band name

how long does it usually take for skinny jeans to start working?

yes, i’m a cartoon, no i don’t know blondie, beetle bailey, or ziggy. and when is the last time you’ve seen a comic, 1970?

I carry most of my tension in my nutsack

of course i follow you, but i'm not 𝙞𝙣 follow with you

I ordered thirty batteries and got forty. I think I’ve been overcharged.

He's getting a dog bed, I already have a heavy cat to sleep on my chest and give me apnea

My dog is getting too fat to jump up on the couch with me but I'm afraid it also means his age is catching up to him💔

i do not think therefore i do not am

Hello, but only to people whose grandparents actually use their air conditioning

"Son of a…!"

- me, after getting all my ducks in a column

DID MY MIXTAPE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?

I get drunk and do crosswords at bars, I can handle this

Going to prison just so I can finally have some time to read

Let's see how everyone can misinterpret this *send*

flipping a MOM upside down for that WOW factor

My anxiety is turning me into Xena Worrier Princess

I've never really been the personality type but sometimes it's nice to take a break from doing and saying anything there is

Eating a grilled cheese sandwich with my hairy hobbit feet.

Oh this is a good one

FRIENDS: I’d help them move

BEST FRIENDS: I’d help them bury a body

WOMEN I’LL NEVER SEE AGAIN IN THE BATHROOM AT A BAR:
I’d take a bullet for them. Want an alibi or my testimony in court? Done. Need a co-signer on a loan? Hang me a pen. We’re all in this ship together, queens

Insert a movie into another movie:

The Wolf of WALL•E Street

Nah, it's getting kinda late now

I'll just get up early and be jolly tmrw

feels like a good time to remind y'all that your gay apparel is dry clean only

Don't mistake my fear of intimacy for a fear of passion. Which I also fear.