Shit Facilitators Say

POV: your facilitator has been replaced by a chat bot.

"Look, it's no secret that plenty of people think icebreakers are cringe. But honestly? They may just be the kind of cringe that can knit this team back together."

When a group participant corners me during a bio-break I called for my own bio-needs:

When the retreat accommodations are unexpectedly rustic:

When there is 1 mostly used flip chart pad and 2 dry markers available for the 8-hour strategic planning session:

When there is no sturdy easel on site:

When the client says the invoice got lost in their inbox:

When the sticky notes provided aren't Post-It brand, despite specifying Post-Its and Post-Its ONLY:

When a participant ducks out before the triads, throwing my numbers off:

When the meeting venue won't let me change the room setup:

Facilitator Olympics - Materials challenge: Facilitate an entire strategic planning process with only one color marker.

Facilitator Olympics - Team event: The entire group returns on time from break.

Facilitator Olympics - Endurance event: Facilitate 4 gigs in January & February without getting the flu.

Facilitator Olympics - Solo event: Facilitate alone when your co-facilitator is sick.

Facilitator Olympics - Power challenge: Balance supportive and confronting stances while naming the unnamed power dynamic in the room.

Facilitator Olympics - Spatial challenge: Rearrange 10 tables and 60 chairs from boardroom layout to horseshoe layout before participants arrive.

Facilitator Olympics - Breakout math: Calculate all possible combos of pairs, triads, & quartets for a group of 47.

Facilitator Olympics - Bathroom sprint: Make it to the 3rd fl. bathroom & back while participants are in 4 min pair-share.

Facilitator Olympics - Speed breakouts: Sort 36 participants into triads, making sure that no one is grouped with their direct supervisor.

Facilitator Olympics - Pairs event: disrupt the group's patterns of domination by modeling power-sharing with your co-facilitator.

It's time for the 2026 Facilitator Olympics! 1st event: Learn all participants’ names by lunch on day 1 (35 person group).

Dear Diary:
It was a great day. The group broke evenly into triads, we hung out in the stretch zone without shutting down, and all the retreat center markers were juicy.

Winter storm prep for facilitators:
- Postpone gigs
- Test all markers for juiciness
- Fill travel mugs with Yogi Tea in case of water outage
- Wrap exposed pipes in Post-Its for protection
- Post Group Agreements where all household members can see them
Stay safe 🙏

Merry Christmas to all the facilitators currently using their skills to manage family dynamics (caucusing with cousins, strategically-timed bio-breaks, etc.)

Stocking stuffer ideas for facilitators:
-Post Its (rainbow pack)
-fresh markers (chisel edge)
-jewelry (chunky)
-scarves (statement)
-PPT clicker (Bluetooth)
-roll of blue tape

Me turning down work when they won't pay my rate.

Me calling late payments "receivables."

Me after cutting and pasting a "Terms and Conditions" section into a client contract.

Me after sending one (1) business development email.

Emergent Open Space topics related to Spotify Wrapped:
- Defensive parents: redefining our OWN musical taste
- Wrapped & proud (an affirming space)
- Spotify age-gap relationship support
- How & why to quit Spotify

Reflection prompt: How do you see your choices showing up in your Spotify Wrapped? Notice if you are bracing against yourself, and see if you can lean into acceptance of "what is."