Ramesie

you don't see husbands realizing they forgot their anniversary and searching for a gift and seeing the necklace their wife wanted in a window for $50 and pulling out an empty wallet and moths flying out and then seeing a poster that says "BOXING MATCH FIRST PRIZE $50" and saying "hmmm" much anymore

“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money" say people who think that constantly raising the price of goods and charging increasingly large subscriptions and rents for everything, while people's wages stay the same is a sustainable model

“hey baby,” i say, approaching you at the bar. “watch this”

i put a cherry stem in my mouth seductively. you look away, but eventually you can’t help but notice that i’ve managed to get it wrapped tightly around my neck. in seconds, i am dead.

“Putting a hat on a hat” is literally a term actual comedians use to describe something as trying so hard to be funny it is no longer funny.

My substack is called "Love You. Be Good. More Later." The subtitle for the upcoming letter is "Measure twice? What cunts."

Writing is great because sometimes when you finally crack the subtitle for your next newsletter you get to sit there eating chuckles like a gigglebones till your tumtum hurts.

KOKO THE GORILLA: Koko birkin bag. Practical Koko possession bag
RESEARCHER: No, Koko. You can’t have a Birkin bag.
KOKO: Good Birkin good Koko give beautiful Koko deserve gorilla
RESEARCHER: Koko, we simply can’t afford a Birkin bag. It is an unjustifiable expense.
KOKO: jealousy professor

Happening right now, there's so much support it's kind of wild

So you’re saying we could solve all the financial problems of 379 million of us and impact just 19 households. What an interesting fact. Fun little bit of trivia.

me: help help Featherlace is chasing me, he's trying to kill me with a chainsaw
them: um don't you mean Leatherface
me: wait what did i say
them: Featherlace
me: lol yes i meant Leatherface

This came out of nowhere…

I heard there was a secret ooze
It turned four turtles into dudes
But you don't really care for pizza, do ya?

They fought like this,
Two swords, a stick
A couple sai
Some nunchuck tricks
Those Ninja boys-a callin

Cowabunga

A tweet from @ futurevictim_ that reads "the only lasting 9/11 memory i have is when the budweiser ad with the kneeling clydesdales came on during the super bowl and i said "those horses are praying to mecca" and my friend's uncle got so mad that he had to go in the backyard"

Never Forget

before the game

There's a story at the bottom of this bottle and I'm the pen.

And the whiskey is the ink.

And the bar? That's the library.

So you're the customer- wait, library... customer, what is that called?

And the label is that grippy part of the pen that I used to chew on in like 4th grade.

it’s incredibly annoying how correct everyone was warning the dangers of going status quo with the democratic party 6 years ago

Just realised that "Gene Hackman" is the exact name that Hideo Kojima would give a biochemist

Peter Steele > peter thiel

[playing poker]

FRIEND: I’m all in

ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too

FRIEND: um, a pair of kings

ME: you bet we are

An interesting fact about the band ZZ Top is that their singer Frank Instrument is the only member who didn’t play an instrument

look at our opposition party dog we're going in the camps

re-reminder

I started to write a quote-post for this and stopped in the middle to write something else before returning, which I think is more apt than anything I was going to write so

I bet there's a guy in Burbank who's never heard of David Lynch and thinks the Big Boy died.

My monkey butler and my regular butler are often at odds about how much thrown poop there should be on the walls

Artwork for DAVID LYNCH: A COMPLETE RETROSPECTIVE at the Music Box

Rest In Peace, David Lynch🌹

YouTube video by YoutubTopHits Letterman Norm MacDonald s Bob Uecker Story

RIP Bob Uecker, this story Norm tells about him is one of the funniest things in the history of tv

youtu.be/eiooeRAdcjU?...

it's gotta be weird if you aren't into football at all but follow people who do. you're just minding your own business, enjoying yourself on social media, and all of a sudden everybody says DOINK at the same time and doesn't bother to explain why