Christian Mendoza

[at restaurant]

THEM: what wine do you think pairs best with the moroccan short rib tagine

ME: idk ask the some liar

THEM: the some…you mean the sommelier?

ME: [through a mouthful of bread] yeah some liar who lies about wine

Will I understand Luigi's Manifesto if I haven't played Luigi's Mansion?

the best part of Kraven the Hunter was when he said "IT'S KRAVEN THE HUNTIN' TIME" and kraved all over those guys

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I've got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It's called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Why is everybody so surprised the assassin is hot? Have none of you seen "The Bourne Identity"?

Am I the only one who thinks Dave Franco would be the perfect fit for the Luigi Mangione biopic that will inevitably be made?

Watching Boy Meets World and my wife pointed out I’m basically Allan Matthews

can't they just put their execs in glass cases that you have to get an employee to open for you

We've all seen the picture of the UnitedHealth shooter. If the cops were serious about catching him they would have staged an M. Night Shyamalan "Trap" situation at an Arctic Monkeys concert by now.

Taco Bell Wrapped

Petition for Bluesky to add a nose boop button for all pet pictures.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Just to look at me you’d think “I bet that guy’s a worldwide top 1% Modest Mouse listener” but the joke’s on you pal, because I’m actually a worldwide top 0.5% Modest Mouse listener

My wife reminiscing scrolling through photos of me on her camera roll. I open my camera roll. 58 pictures of just raccoons. I close my camera roll.

“No, this is an *Edibles* Arrangement. Totally different thing.”

As a food writer I feel it's important to report that sometimes the solution to your problems is eating as much mac and cheese as physically possible

"She came of age in the Great Recession, when times were tough and you had to stretch one avocado to last for three pieces of toast."

morpheus from the matrix

What if I told you that the only reason I am bald is that I’m afraid of a Ratatouille situation? What if I told you that I’d have so much hair if not for the fear of a rat using me like a puppet? These are modes of control, Neo. This is how they manipulate us. Ratatouilles, Neo. Rats that pull hair.

Okay can we do Bluesky but for OG Instagram too?

Gonna start a gadget resale service but only let sickos who keep the original box sell on it.

YouTube video by From SOLA Rescued Tiny Kitten Grows Up Believing He’s a Big Dog | Day 1 to 60

After watching this video per @hotdogsladies.bsky.social recommendation. I now only want to see very good pups and sweet adorable kittens growing up together.

youtu.be/6hlW0W03_pA?...

golden retriever sleeping on a brown leather chair, with her head propped on one of the chair’s arms

do you have a piece of furniture you keep only because your pet loves it? this chair is 15+ years old and matches nothing in the living room, but to her it is perfect

An adorable raccoon.

Earlier I went through my sister's kitchen junk drawer.
If anyone needs a CD to reinstall Windows 95, hit me up.

I’m worried that kids today are growing up without a video game series that teaches them 13 or 15 similar sounding skate punk songs

They taught a marching band to play Espresso

There should be a Duolingo course on gen alpha slang for holiday get-togethers

Light Pink colored switch joy cons, on the bottom of the left is the sailor moon star syndrome and on the right joy con is sailor moon’s silhouette.

Was sad, got myself a treat :)