Brian Zeolla

I’ve been sober for over ten years but I’ve recently started going to Alcoholics Anonymous. Without alcohol, I need new reasons to call my ex.

I immediately and still kind of think you mean the guy from men in black

I’m sick of calling the things I’m kind of embarrassed by guilty pleasures, Jeffrey Dahmer had guilty pleasures, I like the goo goo dolls

Me to Fred Durst at Olive Garden before our Tour of Italys get to the table; “we really did do it all for the gnocchi, huh?”

Nancy Mace is what you get when you feed Marjorie Taylor Greene after midnight, but the mogwai is also evil

I bet the producers of Forged in Fire were bummed that the name Chopped was already taken

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and even I’m surprised I don’t own any swords

After a fun night out I like to take my date home, give them a tour of the house, and when we get to the bedroom I say “this is where the magic happens” and then show them the large pentagram under my bed

I don’t care what the Supreme Court says, you can’t stop me from tiktoking*

*constantly reflecting on my mortality as I get closer to 40

The top internet search after Biden warned “an oligarchy is taking shape in America” was ‘what is an oligarchy?’ Which is why I can’t stress enough the importance of using a vpn

It used to be “it’s 2015, where’s my hoverboard” now it’s like “it’s 2025 where’s my goo pod with neck plug feeding tubes that keep me alive while I play second life”

Been thinking about becoming a motorcycle guy, but the moment someone calls me Tons of Anarchy, I’m done

I know my relationship with comedy has changed because I stopped calling all of my terrible life derailing choices “bits”

Walking through the mall listening to What If God Was One of Us on my walkman, so yeah, I’d say I’m an artist

Just saw a juggalo riding a pink children’s bicycle with no hands because he had a cigarette in each hand. This is going to be the best Christmas!

My dream is to become a Hell’s Kitchen producer and have to ask people “can I get about 30 different takes of you saying “what the fuck” in that closet”

I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I’m not I’m not the youth of the nation anymore

If civil war breaks out, meet me at the library.

I’m catching up on everyone’s posts from last night about Netflix going down during the fight. This is why I’ve completely transitioned to physical media, I have Alien vs Predator on dvd

Endful Shrimp

I want my first post to be strong