The Law

I’ll take one wheat thanks.. oh, and make it shredded 😏

I love that before realizing it’s Superman, New Yorkers would stop walking and look up excitedly at a bird or plane

Therapist said she has never seen anything quite like it. After only one session she declared I’m fixed and there’s nothing else for me to work on. Could tell she could use the cash though so one more session is scheduled where I’ll help her out with flaws, trauma etc..

My father keeps finding quarters behind my ear and it’s scaring the hell out of me, that being said, the passive income has been nice

Harlem Globetrotters have to be the best basketball team there is, no one else is doing stuff like that on the court

If I was a doctor I’d always say upon receiving an order, “ah, just what the doctor ordered!” People would laugh and I’d be one of the most beloved practitioners in America.

They all said I had two left feet. “Couldn’t walk in a straight line stone cold sober with a life term hanging over his head at the dui checkpoint” but then they see me dance.. ohh do they change their little tunes..I whip and whirl over and over and over like a tornado counter clockwise

Inherited a luxury condominium and I’m the undisputed landlord of it. Sounds like a dream right? Oh, it’s even right in the heart of… Roku City.. I can’t find a tenant to save my fucking life and I’m asking almost nothing for rent!!!

Pretending to read a young adult novel in the children’s section of the library and looking up every couple minutes to see if the kids are impressed

Becoming famous and beloved as the first guy who brake checks opponents in nascar races

Creepy kid who always wears a trench coat talking to his friend Matt: Hey Matt, I really like you.. don’t come to school tomorrow

school the next day..

Creepy trench coat kid smiling, holding open his coat by the lapel:

Everyone! Look at these pictures I drew of Matt, I really really like him ^•^

Not a joke

Is this joke stolen from Hollywood handbook? I dont know

From now on only simple poetry!
I simply want you to know
The real me.

For your records for instancely!
Bet you didn’t know my blood type is…
A,B,A,A,C

Though my dreams vivid
Upon waking, revealed untrue.
Begrudgingly eat my ham sandwich,
While day dreaming of beef stew.
Glancing to a mirror, our eyes meat
I say “oh my god- Dijon vu!”

The coast and reduced to whispers by the land ??” “

Me, stepping in with both hands extended outwards smartly: “stop! Stop the bickering, give peice a chance!”

Everyone even my dumb and hateful harshest critics clapping and whooping: “he’s brilliant.”

But I only mean that maybe if written, if written he has something to say! Perhaps it’s pretty even? Perhaps there is at the very least some point? If not a point isn’t there beauty in the chaotic and playful dance of a dead, discarded red maple leaf bouncing in reply to uncaring winds shouted by

And unfounded claim there is a sentient thought from his mouth. The apologist will claim, “oh maybe he isn’t good with words spoken aloud…” and I’ll cut them off right there, for it is one of few things we know on this planet with certainty. They may continue as if I hadn’t already considered, “oh!

Me, very intellectually and having a grand and brilliant point even if it evades the average mind:

“harrr garrrr gerddd glob blob”

My critics, my stupid foolish critics very dumbily:

“The man is a moron. I can’t even criticize him. To criticize him would give credibility to the asinine

Ah! Hah, no no. I understand the confusion now. When I said I prefer the English version of The Office I just meant that with Steve Carrell as the boss it was in my first language so I could actually understand it

I proudly stannnnd up!! 🎶🎤

When learning how to pronounce John Muir’s last name, the best way to do so is to pronounce a cows ‘moo’ in onomatopoeia, but with absolutely no inflection.

He died doing what he loved, getting killed by water buffalo

Relocation efforts were apparently meaningless. The borrowers have found their way back to my walls and cupboards. Exterminator on the way

Well well well, look whose come back marching one by one.. if it isn’t the ants

“Taco Tuesday.. on a Saturday? That’s a little unconventional to say the least my liege..”

“GUARDS!! Take this man away! He is to be executed this Sunday, December 25th, as the main attraction for the Easter Execution Eggstravaganza”

I made peace long ago with the fact a parasitic worm has nested in my brain and even that it cant be removed due to its endangered status. But man, I’m surprised at how hard it’s hit me learning at my appointment today that, “stretched out fully it’s about the length of the Empire State Building.”