Patrick Spelman

I often worry that should I ever go missing the press won't know what photo to put at the top of their story. A normal, day-to-day concern we should all be focused on.
But I'd suggest they go with this photo. Not that I look friendly or indeed approachable.

Because I look fit.

My cheekbones are great here. I'm becoming obsessed with looking at myself.

Just tell me I'm pretty.

That bone structure, Christ I missed you.

Can everyone stop what they're doing for just a minute of their gosh darn boring lives and just appreciate how actually good I look here.

Needed this today.

Golly, the things he said.

I met a man on a recent night of adventures who bragged about selling Ronan Keating his house (don't tell anyone, it could damage his career), so it was nice to be able to take ridiculous selfies in the middle of a club, knowing that I wasn't the most annoying person there.

That does explain his general melting candle vibe.

I'm rarely described as fair.

But you're good, for now.

"Maybe people will think transphobes are normal if I murder the most insane one."

Don't test me. You're all at risk.

I'm positive I've said this before.

I don't intend to, but I think I could kill a man.

I'd like to think everyone feels a bit threatened around me.

I think his blood pressure was only that high because he saw that after years of literal begging, J.K. Rowling finally tweeted about him.

Just love the idea that now he can't write for TV so he's just keeping tabs on another former TV writer's blood pressure.

I don't even know if I directly criticised him, or maybe he saw a photo of me and felt threatened.

He blocked me years ago, I don't know why. Jealousy?

Counting down the days. Christ, this week alone will be about 20 posts, let alone the Phil/Chicken rivalry.

Just thinking that @soozuk.bsky.social's Eastenders recap this year is going to be amazing.

You try being both beautiful and hot, see how much you like it.

Just going to keep posting selfies now where I think I look good.

This is primarily a Patrick fan account. (When I remember it exists)

Never too much eyeliner.

Posting Twitter screenshots because I forget about the Bluesky. Soz.

The things that happen when boundaries aren't set, my word.

To call it formative would be a understatement, and I would hate for anyone to ever think of me or indeed this wonderful album as understated.

It perhaps wasn't until my teens that I realised that there was a chance it was slightly inappropriate for a child to be singing about Tits on The Radio, yet I persisted, and over 20 years later I remain a somewhat beautiful, somewhat eccentric creature.

I first heard Scissor Sisters when I was 9 years old, singing about drug abuse and rather lewd sex acts, I knew that was what I could aspire to.

I later decided to avoid drug abuse.

My God, I love being Patrick.
I do it ever so well.
For hours I could stare in the mirror.
I say, wouldn't that be quite swell?

My God, I love being Patrick.
All shoes, pouts and perfection.
One glimpse at me, and suddenly
You'll all be stood to attention.

Just trying to help.