maggie

went to the flash mob but didn't see a single boob 🥲

AirBnB implies the existence of EarthBnB, WaterBnB, and FireBnB.

The whole mall is strippers?

I remember the first time I learned there were horny milfs in my area I screamed

skinwalker ranch dressing

Salt-N-Pepa Pig

if i unclench my butthole my insides might fall out, and other miscellaneous 3AM worries

COKE: is pepsi okay

DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

Oh come on, you know him. He's the one who likes all our pretty songs? Sings along? Shoots his gun? Kinda slow on the uptake?

Hello panda garden. I'd LOVE to visit your garden of pandas! Oh....I see. You're a restaurant. Then I'd like to order one panda, medium rare

i will find you in every life (threatening)

three seasons in and Ted still hasn’t used a lasso wtf

you jerk off. i nice guy off. we are not the same.

they tied my dick in a knot at the glory hole and now i can't get out

Cassette tape called “the sordid sounds of Halloween” that features: “Horrifying graveyard orgy (zombies, ghouls, and skeletons), Eerie dicks, Creaking asses, Rattling tits, Howling mummy sex, Moaning undead pussies, Blood-curdling cums…and many more!” Underneath that it says “FORGED IN HELL. DISTRIBUTED BY A FLOATING SKELETON IN A CLOAK. You must find him or summon him for more tapes.”

bumpin this today

hey girl, are you ahead of me in line at the deli counter? cause i would love to have your number

just blew out my ass going 95 on the toilet

i have sex like clockwork. old-timey clockwork. meaning it’s mechanical. and batteries are sometimes required. and hands are in the wrong place. and the timing is off. and

women get herpes and men get hispes it's in the bible look it up sweaty

Guy 5,000 years ago: [inventing virgin olive oil]

His friend: unfuck it more

I smoked a bowl then a plate and a fork and my lungs are killing me

saw a lady walking in to target, tears on her face, a giant plastic skeleton in each arm. there’s a story there

The Bermuda Triangle was actually just my butthole but it got full.

when it's their breeding season, they Pokémoan

the enema of my enemy is my friend

Running out of the butcher shop with a string of sausages in my mouth like a cartoon dog

The doctors cut me open and filled me with Big League Chew

let ur skeleton out to do a little dance