Mathew Watts

Remember the earlier days of social media when we were really dismissive of people who shot phone videos in portrait instead of landscape? That was a fight we lost without a whimper.

You used to need to be rich and powerful to surround yourself with sycophants who insulated you from reality. But now with AI, any schlub can be endlessly validated for a nominal monthly fee. Hyped for these new pocket-sized megalomaniacs.

1 like on Bluesky is equivalent to 1000 likes on Threads. I don’t make the rules.

I want to live in the timeline that They Might Be Giants thought we were heading for in the 80s and 90s.

No adult fandom would benefit more from making their hobby welcoming to children than model train enthusiasts. No fandom hates children more than model train enthusiasts.

The kid was eating lunch, staring out the window at the rain and said, “The world is washing its hands.” As a writer my first thought was, I’m going to steal that.

“Oh man! I can’t wait to get home and try these new crackers,” I thought whitely.

I worried that I’d lost something vital and irreplaceable this summer. That the world had turned on me. And then I noticed a small pile of turds and looked up. Batrick Swayze has returned—later than ever, but the bat is back.

I was in the basement hanging out with the kid when suddenly it sounded like someone broke in upstairs. Turns out it was our 3, extremely well-fed cats all trying to catch the same fly.

Revisited my favorite Midwestern liminal space today

I’m not a control freak. I know my kid is going to pick up on outside influences I won’t like. That’s part of life and growing up. But why the fuck did his summer camp have show him the 2007 Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. So help me god nobody tell him about the squeakquel.

Chinese takeout mustard is a ghost of its former self.

I was talking to my dad about the Holloway/Poirier fight and my wife said, “Are you guys debating hallway versus foyer?”

Paging Mr. Beef. Emergency! Emergency! Paging Mr. Beef.

Up until about 25 years ago, I can’t overstate how many human interactions involved giving or receiving directions.

I wish I had the audacity to email anyone as much as my kid’s school emails me.

Home Depot visits always come in twos.

Truly inspired back-to-back articles from The Guardian featured on my Facebook newsfeed. Seems like Hall got off easier though.

No no no, I want to go to the PUNK dentist

My wife has this theory that there are two types of cats: circle cats, and shrimp cats. I think she’s onto something.

I’d like to report a murder. I was talking to my dad about home repairs:
Dad: “Do you have a stud-finder?”
Me: “I married one.”
Dad: “Let me know when she finds one.”
Mom in the background: “OHHHHHHHHH!!!”

They still sound amazing!

Inside you there are two wolves

The hotel messed up our reservation, so to make up for it they gave us two adjacent studio apartments. Since we can’t leave our 7-year-old alone in one, we’re roleplaying as a separated couple sharing custody in the big city! HOT!!!

Just landed in NYC with our kid (his first time) and it’s amazing that he’s going to grow up thinking LaGuardia’s a pretty nice airport, instead of a pit that looked like a poorly funded public school that also happened to be an airport.

Diet Dr. Pepper just hits weird. I’m pretty sure you can cook it down into a meth ingredient.

People used to mock Reddit and Wikipedia—and for good reason. But as the internet became increasingly useless, they both course-corrected, upped their editorial standards and are now two of the last useful websites online. What a world.

You get used to seeing raccoons, squirrels and even rats, but possums are like a weird ice-age throwback your brain rejects. I get it—they’re great. Until you open your dumpster and a possum is hissing at you from tit-level.

This isn’t the future that Dippin’ Dots wanted for us.

Hear me out—Heart Attack-Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack & Vine: a Billy Joel cover band where all songs are performed in the style of Tom Waits.