Greg

john gets it

iykyk

Normalize diagnosis of violent stomach flu as “a little bit of spit up.”

Or don’t. The stakes have never been lower for this issue. I’ll circle back in Q4.

Workplace dunch sensible as fuck

If Topo Chico turns out to be really bad for you, I am big trouble. Big.

Oh Thank Fuck for 7-11

THINGS I LOVE (Friday morning edition)

1. A nice cold cantaloupe

2. Using paper towels (I know I’m going to hell for this one but honestly the bigger sin would be denying the pure joy it brings)

ME: [not bothering anyone]

HBO MAX:

Morning Brew email asking the question we’ve all been wondering about for decades

gotta bring value to the table somehow. this is my niche.

[Sexily] I will descale your keurig

Picture of Little Debbie box with tagline “Today, we bake.”

[Little Debbie, sweaty, knife to my throat]

*takes an irresponsibly long chug of my drinkable yogurt during a Zoom meeting that I called* [out of breath] guys you have GOT to get your Q3 sales numbers up this is bullshit

Yeah but they might NOT be giants.

Nobody ever talks about that

Oh to be a manger at Jimmy Jones

We really need to find an alternative to “Have a great rest of your day.”

I get the sentiment but there’s no way for that to not sound clunky and forced

Keep me posted

Credit score is a critical KPI for access to the Afterlife

Makes u wonder just what this guy did if he’s leading with this on his resumé

“Wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers” my dear sister in christ you had better share them crackers

Oops I got it wet.

GROCERY CLERK: whoa, that’s a lot of gr…

ME: YOU’RE GODDAMNED RIGHT THAT’S A LOT OF GRANOLA

Why do I work inside a building it’s just the fucking worst decision and I hate it

Apologies to my eco friends but if you print something and there is an extra blank page that prints out, that page is gone and can’t go through the trauma of being printed again. To the bin.

Quite the audacious bullet point to put on a resumé

[cleaning up drafts folder from 2013] what idiot called them anesthesiologists instead of numbers

tall drink of water son of a bitch

ME: [has the audacity to exist at 5’9”]

CONCERTS:

lil blue fella

Monday morning at the office

Cartoon Owl on advertising signage at tennis tournament

Apparently I sponsor tennis tournaments