alber

If you see me posting after 10pm on a Sunday, just know I’ve given up on pretending to be a functioning adult.

you got numbers

coughin up fire sauce into a handkerchief

not to be like, a dog, but peanut butter is truly so fucking good

tb vaccine? why would anyone want to be immunized against taco bell???

i have 0 vampire abilities but i do have all of their weaknesses . i’m like blade in reverse

you have yet to make your day 1 posting quota, thats where you start

Eat Pant Bart

This is better than any art AI has ever made

SHARKS you won’t wanna miss this one

Thinking about installing an above ground basement.

this is real and it sucks

love is blind but make it making the band

sorry i was just making a joke i don’t know anything about birds

peregrine falcon :)

no we didn’t feel sick at all actually

exactly, yes

[submitting my ballot]

“this is gonna do numbers”

ordering avo toast but substituting a house instead of the avo toast

latte

avocado toast

great. now ill nevre be able to afford a house

by age 30 you should:

- have a bluesky
- post 100 times a day minimum
- be 36 actually

i just use ai to make wire transfers and that’s it

at 1000 followers i will reveal my social security and bank account information

LOL

everyone on bluesky is 36

i’m afraid it’s too late

if you’ll allow me to take a stretch, your honor: preskie

by age 30 you should:

- have a bluesky
- post 100 times a day minimum
- be 36 actually

A NY Post headline, “F in ethics: Zehra’s Mamdani laughed off stealing a table in college” and article about it reading: NYC socialist mayoral frontrunner Zohran Mamdani and a pal stole a table while an undergraduate at Bowdoin College in Maine - only admitting to the heist in the campus newspaper after security had him dead to rights. "I would occasionally use the table in my room. You know, for that game with the red Solo cups and a few ping-pong balls," the future defund-the-police Queens assemblyman recalled in a Sept. 16, 2011 column for The Bowdoin Orient, titled "Idiots Steal Table.

Patti Harrison in the ITYSL “Tables” sketch, saying “these are my livelihood” as she looks into the back of her van

Those tables were how she kept her house hot!

in a good way right

I used Dr. Bronners peppermint soap on my bits and it was like snowmobiling pussy-first through a tundra