JJSkoolay

The boomermaxxed giga chad showing up to a party in a letterman’s jacket, carrying a case of wine coolers on his shoulder. Hip-checking a MOG-pilled jawsercise cuck into the pool on his way to finger a chick behind a shed.

I have to think that “good at sports” and/or “really funny” remain tried and true ways for young men to get girls but yeah, man, bashing yourself in the face with a hammer and communicating only in arcane, glorified leetspeak might work too.

(To the tune of Southern Nights by Glen Campbell)

🎵Wutherin’ Heights
Heathcliff schemin’ in those Yorkshire nights.🎵

🎵These Heights
Wuthering before you
Just go ahead now🎵

You’re telling me a Brontë wuthered these heights?

I stand for the flag
I kneel at the cross
I wuther for these heights

Charles Foster Kane whispering “heauxgie sprid” on his deathbed.

Solemnly chiseling “choked to death on a mango flavored zyn while staking out a daycare” onto the ICE Wall of Heroes.

Absolutely brutal. But I’m so glad you made backups. In the distant future a disgruntled cyber-teen will unearth Southie Batman like it’s the Rosetta Stone.

Could not agree more. I saw it was $7.99 to buy on AppleTV and I mashed the OK button so hard that my Roku remote exploded.

Hell yeah. My favorite of theirs is Raising Arizona but this film is perfect. Throwing the Mike Yanagita scene into the middle of all that Marge was dealing with somehow carried more dread than a literal demon biker from hell.

Snorting a fat line and dragging the enflamed flotsam all the way to Miami like a modern day Jack Lalanne as Hegseth seethes in his American flag dress socks.

Hi Vince, if you’re looking for an antiquated gaseous void have you considered your mom’s huge pussy? Sike, I’m just playin. God bless.

“Yeaux, we’ve bin cursed boy sum heaucus peaucus er sumthun”

Keanu Kalispell, MD (kicked by horse injuries only)

Wait, shit, we’re doing actors first names not just random ones. Okay hang on.

Tripp Whitefish, Attorney at Law (DUIs only)

Earlier this afternoon, while disabling a time-bomb placed inside of a children’s hospital, Mayor Giuliani was blindsided by Terry Tate: Office Linebacker, shattering his pelvis and causing his adult diaper to fly off and land on a ceiling fan where it started flinging diarrhea everywhere.

“You no wan’ test me champion sound” legitimately pops into my head with regularity. I’m normal by the way.

Australians’ favorite type of mushroom is portobellorrr

Elmer Fudd dumbstruck by, and horny for, Bugs Bunny dressed as Brunhilde

Shoulda given the Bond franchise to the Macon Blair/Jeremy Saulnier crew. Bond drunkenly clips a cyclist in his Aston Martin and frantically tries to hide the evidence for the most tense 90 minutes of your life.

*Monster Truck Rally Voice* ARE YOU WORRIED YOUR MUSTY SLIZ IS GOING TO RUIN THE COMPANY PICNIC? THINK AGAIN, SLUT! CH-CH-CH-CHICKWIPES!

“Chilli high key could get it for real. No cap.” (*I’m dutifully taking photos to text to grandma*)

“The Pokey Little Puppy by Clive Buttertable.”

“Dad! No!”

A fun bit I do when reading books to my toddler at night is make up the name of the author to see if he calls me on it. I use Ducca’s list of Heroes for this purpose. Paunch Gigabite, Hug Niceman, etc.

What was the prompt for this guy? “Show me a maitre d’ when I tell him I don’t have a reservation and also he’s been secretly fucking my wife.”

Probably too handsome but Idris Elba otherwise meets the criteria here, I think.

Harnessing the power of AI to digitally unlock my ass ointment. The rowdy teens out front won’t stop calling me “wet butt”