Flake_Plissken🧜🏻‍♀️🔮🐦‍⬛

Kash Patel: this is what we do baby!!!!!! ::spraying miller lite around the team usa locker room::

Savannah Guthrie’s mom: hellloooooo i’m dying

@timbousquet.bsky.social

Sorry we live in the redneck-est of times...🫩

A man with a shotgun and a fuel can was shot and killed after breaching the secure perimeter at Mar a Lago.

Side note: Trump isn’t in Florida this weekend.

Going to file this under “stupid games, stupid prizes”

Stop testing Secret Service - they WILL kill you.

This is a remarkably creative and fun jaunt through a thousand years of English, and a creepy story to boot. I’m good through the 1400s. How about you? 🗃️

a black and white photo of a woman singing into a microphone while a man plays violin . ALT: a black and white photo of a woman singing into a microphone while a man plays violin .

WAYWARD WIND, THAT RESTLESS WIND--Refilled the bird feeders, replaced the air filter. Brunch was corned beef hash with poached eggs, and crumbly biscuits with rosemary, dried cherries, and sliced almonds. Also a spice cake made with mashed nanner, orange juice, sliced almonds and dried cherries.

the glorious constitutional principle of "the president can't fuck with Supreme Court justices' investment portfolios" stands strong

I love saying "sounds good" at work, but that shit never sounds good.

men won't even go if you call it turbo therapy

Reporter: Do aliens exist?

Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

PUTTING THE DOLT IN ADOLT EDUCATION -- Mornin!

Top 5,000 Reasons I Make Long Lists

UNOFFICIAL RESULTS -- First lawn mower of the season spotted a couple of doors over. 72°. Bleh.

@enthusmiasma.bsky.social
How'd the school board meeting go?

AYIEEE GUMBO! 🍤

a cartoon of donald duck holding a bunch of money and pointing Alt: donald duck counting money

Walking past all the $15/lb beef to grab a tofu brick for $2

Happy Valentine's Day, my loves 🖤

Have you said Happy Valentine's Day to your favorite video poker machine?

ACTUALLY, WHEN THERE WAS BUT ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS...-- That's when Big Poppa Smurf slung me across his shoulders like a big ol' sack of sugar, then threw a right-cross knocking the leader of the biker gang out, broke a pool cue in half, used them as spears on the rest of the gang...

WHEN THERE WAS BUT ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS...-- That's when Big Poppa Smurf left me for dead in the smurfberry fields. My trembling fingers brushing against his battle-axe buried in my shoulder. Smoke curls into the skies above. "Not very smurfy at all.." I gasp through gritted teeth, then collapse.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

CRONE SCONE SHOWN -- I was blessed with an unexpected scone from Morningside Coffee.

i have to fast for a blood test... 75 in a school zone ought to do it

i just saw someone say "Kid Rock makes music for the people who have tattoos of their kids but not custody" and hol up i need a minute

Kid Rock makes music for people who always look wet but never shower.

Best Super Bowl Halftime Shows (as voted by "real Americans")

1. An All-Star Salute To White Bread

2. Disney's Tribute to Country Clubs

3. The South Will Rise Again!

CRIMES OF PASSION -- We ran the Korean food truck out of food today. #blessed

Fatty McFeatures reports windy AF.

From right: Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou, and Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris.