Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD, BOFA

Chef’s knife in small peanut butter cup

Parents I IMPLORE you to check your children’s candy this Halloween, I just found a knife hidden in a Reese’s miniature peanut butter cup

I already said that

Wrong

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

ME: trick or treat
MAGA NEIGHBOR: the trick is you believing in the treats that our government hands out
ME: shut the fuck up Gary

I mean I hadn't thought about it, but for the right price, sure

Of course

Instead of paying for expensive password management software just send me your passwords and I will tell you what they are when you need them

Just learned that some Canadians say fuck the dog instead of screwed the pooch and I’m shook

Not your best work. Is everything okay at home right now?

That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Eating all the nachos
Trying to keep them all from you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I ate too much
I started throwing up

Thank you…still waiting on my endorsement deal from build a bear

Moneyball meme with whiteboard listing baseball players

Billy this is Donald Trump. He’s a megalomaniacal fascist, racist, misogynist, homophobe with dementia. His weakness is all of that plus he has a small dick.

My dad was killed in the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow you son of a bitch

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnng john silver's gift card

GOD: hi, welcome to heaven
ME: thanks…is there any BOFA here?
[30 seconds later]
SATAN: hi, welcome to hell

that's the science part

*grabs diet coke*
*grabs mentos*
*grabs duct tape*
*grabs cat*
*calls Nobel committee*
I hope you haven't given away the science thing yet

JUDGE: order in the court *starts banging gavel*
ME: are you going to stop
JUDGE: *keeps banging*
ME: why not
JUDGE: *shows me gavel labeled YOUR MOM* lol

Thinking about doing some broadcasts today without the express written consent of the National Football League

Can't believe Trump just turned the White House into a Spirit Halloween

FRIEND: you see the game yesterday?
ME: life is a prolonged period of existential dread abruptly ended by intense pain
FRIEND: I like sports

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What's updog?
WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU

Twinkle twinkle little star
Your light has traveled very far
One thousand years ago you died
Everything we know's a lie

ME: you into Green Day?
MY FRIEND WHO IS COLOR BLIND: you mean Red Day?

SAD FRIEND: *is being sad*
ME: have you tried being happy
SAD FRIEND: thank you. You have cured my depression
ME: you’re welcome

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don't get it
Y O U W I L L

I have busted
the ghost
that was in
your hood

and which
you were probably
scared of
and screaming

Forgive me
busting
makes me
feel good

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

What about President, can a dog be that