Paige J

Me four days ago on TikTok: "STOP SPECULATING YOU ASSHOLES. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HELICOPTER FLYING."

Guy in a business meeting with me today: "I just wanted to say, I used to fly Blackhawk helicopters..."

Me: 😶

Him: "...and I really appreciated your tiktok."

Me: 😮‍💨

I’m more of a North Face guy but this seems a bit extreme

There are two types of sick adults - one who refuses any help or comforting and one who wants all the help and comfort - and they marry each other.

All I wanted this weekend as I handle the plague is to be taken care of and my husband did not comply.

Sadly, this is the case for far too many people.

Hell yeah player. I’m so bad at doing that, I feel obligated to give it all away!!

This weekend we played the game “is it lice or just dry scalp”

We’re 75% sure it’s dry scalp.

New icks recently unlocked:

- hearing grown-ass men dragging their snow boots and swishing their snow pants
- my husband eating cereal

90s Nostalgia Doctor. A doctor points to a CE scan and says I'm sorry Mr. Kkowalski, but you have a brain tumor." He solemnly winces "she's lump." He dispassionately explains "she's lump..." He points to Mr. Kowalski's forehead and says "she's in your head..."

I cannot stress enough how annoying the parental features on Microsoft and Xbox are. My kids just wanna yell at strangers on Fortnite, why I gotta dipsydoodle my way around to unlock that

Yay for sound, nay for somehow the most noxious smell.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

For those with a uterus, here’s a life pro tip this Christmas season:

On the first day of your period, don’t go to Costco and the mall in the same day. Did I get grumpy about the crowds? Sure. That’s normal. But crying because I couldn’t back out of the parking stall def is not.

This, and the ones who don’t put their carts in the corral correctly.

Being an adult means not showing the hurt when your kids get advent calendars from your mom but you don’t.

no no no youre usint this site all wrong !! youre supposed to post something like "daddy longlegs implies the existence of mommy shortarms" and then a handful of 40 year old trans women with unhealthy relationships to marijuana will reply "mood" and then you dm slide them

THE CLAWS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

Me, watching my cat zoomie her way into the Christmas tree and bat at the ornaments from the inside.

honestly not worried about any Political Discussions at thanksgiving this year because, like, okay you right-wing morons, you won. You got everything you wanted. Enjoy your fucking around and subsequent finding out

A meme shows the Mona Lisa holding a screaming Moo Deng

Felt cute

My superpower is I can tell whenever the coffee cups in a tv show are empty. Law & Order hasn’t seen a wet cup in 30 years.

I want a Muppet Godfather movie. Make America Weird Again

a discount of 15% off is not a Black Friday sale <bangs gavel>

🥺

Judy Hops has really changed

Screenshot from Star Trek DS9 with Whorf and Dax looking in the same direction

“My wife and I saw you across the room and we really like your vibe”

Police in Japan installed cameras after nearly two dozen children's shoes went missing from a kindergarten.

It's believed that the weasel is taking them back to its nest to keep warm.

Too cute.

A donut with autumnal sprinkles on it

Me: This is a pretty big donut, maybe I'll just eat half of it

Donut: Motherfucker I did not put on all these sprinkles just to gummed on by a QUITTER

Me: You make a compelling point, donut

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

Someone called this mass exodus from Twitter ‘the fall of the Broman Empire’ and I died laughing. 💀

My husband: it cost $50 for 12 beers!

Me: that’s because you only like bougie beer

Him: …

Y’all he bought a 12 pack of bottle Stella. No fucking duh it’s going to be $50