water your dreams, not your doubts

I'm as much to blame as you are, I said, because what's one more lie.

“what are your gym goals?”

me: going

I would very much like blueberry pancakes and bite marks, please

who wanna see the mastodon in my pants

I got my eyebrows tinted today if anyone’s down for some Bert and Ernie role play.

I violated the hole in my Swiss cheese with a pickle.

I’d do it again.

a double entendre? in this economy??

whenever in doubt, always hip thrust

Just remember, you’re only one or two life decisions away from shopping for camper toilets on Amazon

I’m replacing cowbell with butthole.

Count me in babe.

“Girl, he is not worth the bangs on your face”

- me, as a therapist

I’m here to wax your Bermuda triangle.

why are there threesomes only for sex, why can’t I join in a couples argument if I want to

Those fleeting magical moments found in good hugs

Is there a non-sexy way to eat celery?

Fuck nudes, show me the inside of your storage unit

Be the inexplicable discrepancy

if bluesky fails, you’ll have to have a seance to hear my posts

T.S. Eliot’s full name was T-Shirt Eliot

The revolution will be shitposted

Why is a baby alpaca called a cria and not an alpacino?

And other questions that keep me awake at night.

Literally everyone misuses the word literally.

Missouri might be "The Show Me State", but they're very strict about public nudity.

I could make a mixtape about it.

I don’t talk to myself when I’m alone because I read the room.

I feel like being a malcontent but I want my belly scratched like a good boy.
It’s complicated.

I’m obsessed with grizzlies, bear in mind.

You’re not a piece of shit. You’re like, the entire shit.