Frank Ray Whitehouse (He/Him)

First date idea: kick back and relax with me by the ocean, once you've helped me dispose of a body.

Dr. Frankenstein: Did your intuition return?

Igor: Yes I got my hunch back.

I guess I just have one of those faces -- but my lawyer says the cops may go easy on me if I return it to the transplant center by noon.

I always assumed 'wuthering' was present continuous, and that the novel was about Cathy and Healthcliffe out wuthering the heights together.

I've never read the book. (And have personally never wuthered anything)

Rarely have I described heights as wuthering.

For some people, every Mardi is Gras. Hi, I'm Neil Patrick Harris here to talk to you today about the American obesity epidemic.

50501 — 50 protests, 50 states, 1 movement Join the movement to uphold the Constitution and end executive overreach. 50 protests, 50 states, 1 day: #50501.

TODAY (Feb 17) Impeach, Convict, Remove, Defund

Today is a national day of action organized by 50501 with events happening across the nation in almost every state.

This is NOT a protest or a rally – this is a coordinated day of lobbying to hold our elected leaders accountable.

www.fiftyfifty.one

Fahrenheit is how tall you have to be to get on the rides at the county fahr.

The dinosaurs watching the asteroid that kills them. The t rex shouts, THE DOW IS OVER 50,000

Most terrifying things on Earth:
1. Opening the front camera by accident.
2. Saying “you too” when the waiter says “enjoy your meal.”
3. Someone holding the door for you when you’re 40 feet away.

when life gives you demons, make demonade

when replying on bluesky, remember that any word in the original post can be used as a springboard for incoherent free association

FWIW, I just emailed NYT's standards editor to ask about the paper's policy on this. Will update if I get a response.

celebrate President's Day by impeaching the president

White culture is something you skim from the top of three week old alfredo sauce. Don't consume that stuff unless you want to shit your pants.

I’m not the kind of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th.

Me? I just take off to a nice, quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of obnoxious teenagers, then kick back and chill for the rest of the weekend.

Average Sunday show interview:

OFFICIAL: we are going to dip enemies of the state into acid vats

HOST: how will you pay for it?

OFFICIAL: tariffs

HOST: critics say tariffs don't generate acid vat money

OFFICIAL: tariffs have generated more money than has ever existed

HOST: thank u for ur time

The devil is mentioned about 50 times in the Bible.

Voldemort is mentioned 38 times in Harry Potter books.

Donald Trump is mentioned about 38,000 times in the Epstein files.

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?

She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,

He: WTF

She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Just going to start telling people I used to be in the Spin Doctors

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

My wife likes horror movies much more than I do, and is embarrassed by my terrified reactions.

When we went to see that creepy Stephen King movie about the clown in the theatre, I had my hands over my ears for the whole second half.

She was so mortified, and I’ve never heard the end of It.

Ordering a cranberry juice at the bar and telling the bartender to leave the bottle with much seriousness

Psst kid, wanna buy some... [opens trench coat, briefcases fall out and trench coats spill out of the briefcases]

I hate it when you offer your seat to a pregnant woman on the bus & then it turns out she isn't pregnant, or a woman, and you aren't even on a bus: you're alone at home making up things to get mad about.

Fr tho chat, do you think Olive stayed with Popeye because his dick pumped up when he ate spinach or was he just a generous lover in other ways?¿

you want them to abide by the constitution? you mean the text based rorschach test?

These guys are the biggest pissbabies in the world

The “nightmare scenario” for this year’s fall elections: I go to vote but forgot to study for the election, then I get a boner in front of the class and accidentally call the teacher “mom” and then all my teeth fall out

using the drafts to keep a list of my grievances