Frank Ray Whitehouse (He/Him)

Interviewer: How do you explain this gap in your resumé?

Me: Your Mom!

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[Blind Date]

Her: "I'm sorry but you don't really look like your profile picture"

Incredible Hulk: "Oh yeah?! Well, the traffic getting here was a nightmare"

[Blind Date]

Her: "I'm sorry but you don't really look like your profile picture"

Incredible Hulk: "Oh yeah?! Well, the traffic getting here was a nightmare"

Wore my lucky panties to a job interview and they totally paid off.

I'll never admit that I'm still the one who keeps stopping my wife's 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman' CD, because I've got pausable Shaniability.

#LunchPun

generalization: fun for everyone

The etiquette is that you have to stop using the engagement party favor beer koozie once the couple gets divorced

Writing for theonion.com has been a dream of mine for a long time and it finally came true! Two of my jokes are in the latest issue. Still waiting to hear if I 'passed' my trial, but either way I'm thrilled and honored to be published by the best humor site/newspaper on Earth

A group of hammerhead sharks is called a school of hard knocks.

I don’t typically use this platform to share consumer advice

But just a warning — I had a clear & transparent business arrangement with a guy called Satan, and now he’s twisting the terms, not living up to his end of the bargain & has escalated his expectations considerably

0/5: do not recommend

I refuse to believe I’m in denial.

I’m too much of a skeptic to believe in astrology.

It’s the Capricorn in me.

Gemini: Sorry you didn’t get raptured. Jesus was going to bring you until 10,000 people signed a petition against it.

Thanks for the dry handjob in the Arby’s parking lot, Geoff.

painting of guy injecting heroin but jesus swoops in behind him to get the drugs in his arm

personally i would be pissed if jesus did that to me. i paid for those drugs

Greta Thunberg mistreated by Israeli forces in detention, activists say Activists describe mistreatment after Israel intercepted Gaza aid flotilla and detained about 450 people.

I’m genuinely shocked. They were bringing aid. I know the IDF’s done far worse to others, but these are high-profile individuals:

Turkish TV presenter Ikbal Gurpinar said, “They treated us like dogs. They left us hungry for three days. They didn’t give us water; we had to drink from the toilet”

It's actually buct naked

Only if Jupiter is in ascension.

ATTORNEY: are you sure you two can’t work it out

WIFE: he calls blue cheese “blooch”

ATTORNEY: i’ll draw up the papers

Until America accepts it has always been steeped in criminality and barbarism things can’t get truly better.

In terms of cruelty there’s nothing been done in the last 6 months, that wasn’t done worse in the past.

Glorifying some golden but non-existent past is for MAGA.

Oof. Things were bad for me, but not that bad.

Every question you ask at the end of a work meeting should be deducted from your lifespan

I’m too much of a skeptic to believe in astrology.

It’s the Capricorn in me.

would’ve been cool if prenatal tests back when my wife was pregnant could predict if your kid would be interested in ventriloquism as a career

My favorite movie twist comes at the end of The Usual Suspects when we find out the Kevin Spacey character was dead the whole time, and didn’t even know it.

Close. But actually Samuel Johnson

www.samueljohnson.com/tiredlon.html

What specific examples would you cite in support of “a longer history of doing things right”?

bsky.app/profile/vikt...

People need to stop saying, "That's un-American" when the government does something horrible. We have a long and well-documented history of doing horrible stuff

That was great.

Also enjoyed the part where the movie all goes to black and white and he realizes the whole thing was a dream in the sequel: 2 Usual 2 Suspect.