Frank Ray Whitehouse (He/Him)

Those who don’t learn from history are destined to microwave French fries

One time, I tried walking into a tunnel, but it was just a picture that an asshole bunny painted.

Good thing it’s d̶u̶c̶k̶ rabbit season.

one of those candy for a quarter machines on fb marketplace

putting my antidepressants in this

ANDREW CUOMO: [getting thrown out of a restaurant] don’t you know who I am

RESTAURANT OWNER: that’s exactly why I’m throwing you out

Let he who is without typo cast the first [sic].

Photo of RFK Jr. No, wait! It's a hairless chimp.

Ugh, here comes RFK Jr with another one of his 'ideas'.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve just decapitated your arch-enemy in a duel, on the edge of a mountain but when you hold his head up by the hair to wave in front of your army, it’s facing in the wrong direction?

fly like a butterfly, bee like a bee

Mathematicians get their kicks on 8.1240384

If you watch nature videos on your phone while taking a shit in your bathroom it’s just like camping!

Just saw someone who drives a zero-emission vehicle buy a carton of cigarettes, so I guess it's a wash.

We saw a UK border officer putting on his white gloves and I said:
"uh-oh, he's about to do his thing…"
And my wife asked:
"What? Mime?!"

Photo of a woman labeled "me, shitposting" in front of a tornado labeled "the impending collapse of the United States"

[Therapy]

Psychiatrist: "Do you ever have thoughts of self-harm?"

Me: "I'm afraid so -- I was planning to pick up KFC for dinner."

not interested in how much horsepower an engine has. only interested in how many horse powers. can it open a stall door with its lips. can it whiffle as it delicately takes a carrot from your palm. can it enchant eight year old girls the world over. CAN IT

Oh wow. You are also unable to spot an obvious joke.

It is indeed a reliable tactic when losing an argument to make up things no one said. Have a great day

This is more like if someone was pointing a gun at you and you asked them not to shoot. But they fired anyway.

Is it hypocritical to shoot back?

I feel some of the mystery has gone from my marriage: after 20 years of dancing around it, my wife has finally admitted to being the second shooter on the grassy knoll.

imo the Visigoths should sack Rome again just to keep them on their toes

I've been inundated with a request to stop exaggerating.

If you ask me to fix the electrical problem in your 100-year-old house, I'll just refuse.

When a clown retires from the circus, their successors have mighty big shoes to fill.

𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 body is a temple, 𝓶𝔂 body is an abandoned amusement park

This is how we find out Dean Cain isn't showing up for his shift at our frozen yogurt stand????

My kids think their grandpa is running and playing with a bunch of other grandpas on a nice farm somewhere upstate.

Emily Blunt: fuck me

Emily Subtle: come up for coffee

James Blunt: “You’re Beautiful”

James Subtle: “You have nice eyes”

I'm just pretending to be a charlatan.

FYI everyone still hates you because of that typo you made that time