Chandler Walter

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

ben shapiro sounds like something a wizard says when he wants somewhere to sit down at the park

Every year Thanksgiving devolves into a huge argument between the family members that think Tom Bombadil is a superfluous tangent and those shouting he’s essential LOTR worldbuilding

Your honor the boys were back in town

cute girl: what is your name
me: no it isn’t

This tastes nothing like the dew from a mountain

GIVE a man a milkshake and you'll bring him to the yard
TEACH a man to milkshake and you'll have to charge.

Guy who complains about all-female reboots finally getting what he truly wanted: *walks into theatre showing The Brotherhood of the Vacationing Jorts*

500 days of summer sounds like a pretty good movie but idk when i'll have a year and a half free to watch it

Hey!
It's been
a minute - how
have you been, lately?
I'm good. Listen, I have this
really great business opportunity

In the hopes of eventually deactivating my account over on That Other Place, im just gonna shameless copy over some of my fave (aka the stupidest, silliest) tweets of mine from over the past few years. Cool? Cool.

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u

the FRIENDS title card, with the empty couch in front of the fountain, except now it says ENEMIES OF MY ENEMIES, but the same font and with the little colored dots between letters

these gritty reboots need to stop

Imagine you’ve been waiting for years and it’s finally your turn to carve the roast beast and then they let the fucking psycho who’s been terrorizing your village do it instead.

I’m not a very good communicator but I might be if I had those big floor buttons they give to really smart dogs.

we've all been pronouncing it like brewski, right?

i initially wrote this in 2016 and have self-retweeted it every year since but figured id self-plagiarize it over to to bluesky instead

Why they would let someone who really hates vembers name a month is beyond me.

This devolving into an in-article conversation about Bo Burnham's love life was a surprising(ly lovely) artistic choice 👏

The most devastating thing about this storm (so far) is that it has gotten me using the phrase "bomb dot com" again

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

[noticing a group of people having a nice time at the park] enjoy your echo chamber

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus

I told my landlord that I am the airlord and he started crying

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it's not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

Do not ever tell me about "buzz" words I don't need to learn bee language I have nothing to say to a bee

uh oh. the only way i can read that word is as Lil' John's
"'Til all skeet-skeet, goddamn (goddamn)"
and to think i came *this* close to never thinking about the 2002 smash hit "Get Low" ever again.

YouTube video by Penelope Scott - Topic Rät

and THIS tweet was brought to you in part by this song, which I think should have a unique place of honour on this app given the circumstances: www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpxT...

And yes I do think we should just go ahead and call them tweets it's not like the Muskrat is using the term these days anyway let's reclaim it

This tweet has been brought to you by Noodlebox's Spicy Peanut Noodle Sub Rice Noodles It's Just a Preference Mild No Protein To Go For Chandler Thanks