D.N. Schmidt, sci-fi novelist🪐

Tycho pricks his finger. A few drops of blood fall into the temple fire. At last, an #angel appears. As she steps out and spreads her wings, a few stray feathers fall to the ground.

The angel's eyes are like lightning, her voice a flock of crows. "Hi, honey."

"Hey. How was work?"

#vss365

Hot Dog Fun Fact:

The average American eats 70 hotdogs per year. If you eat less than that, you are visited by the Weenie Meanie, who will make sure you eat your quota.

Do not anger the Weenie Meanie.

If I knew how to program, I'd make a Reddit bot that responded to selfie posts with unit conversions.

"Hey ladies! 22M here!"

"That's 72 feet! Wow, you're tall!"

"Hey, guys, 23F! What do you think?"

"That's only -5C! Brrrr!"

Friend: When you were in high school, did you ever have a girl ask you out?

Me: You mean... like... to *get* out?

I've been telling myself that having four cups of coffee a day is okay because at least it means I have to get up and go downstairs. Getting my steps in, right? 😄

Everyone knows that sitting at a desk too much is bad for you, but new studies show standing desks are bad, too. What about crawling under my desk and crying? Is that okay?

The cover of They Ate The Waitress, a murder mystery by D.N. Schmidt, sitting on a plate with a fork and knife. It is surrounded by arrows pointing out the book's many features: a drug-addled detective, murder mystery, cannibalism, cat puns, furniture falling from the sky, and available at Amazon now.

Happy Book Birthday to my first novel, They Ate The Waitress! This funny mystery is available in print, Kindle, Kindle Unlimited, audio book, and super heavy stone tablet edition.

Any royalties earned today will go to support the Buy An Author A Beer Fund.

#booksky

www.amazon.com/They-Ate-the...

Somewhere in the middle? Meaningful characters living in a pulp world? Something like that.

I'm in! 👍

these violent nights by rebecca crunden kindle cover; image shows a neon city with four black figures, two men and two women; there's a moon in the background around the text.

👾 futuristic world
☣️ dystopia! ✨with magic✨
📚 600+ pages
🔥 grumpy x sunshine (m/f and m/m)
🗡️ revenge
🍃 lots of plants
💪 close friendships

🔖 book link: mybook.to/QVgAoK
💌 itch.io link: rebecca-crunden.itch.io/these-violen...
📖 goodreads: www.goodreads.com/book/show/59...

[ 🪐📚🌈 ]
[ 📚💙 ]

I had a dream that my friend asked me to join his gun club, but when I got there, it wasn't at a shooting range. It was just a bunch of guys sewing tiny outfits for their guns to wear.

"This is Beretta. She wants to date Gary Glock, but he's got a crush on Ruger!"

"Ooh, drama!"

Me: Ugh, it's hot in here. Can't we open that window any wider?

Overton: No.

I'd pay $10 to avoid eating this.

The Angel Summoner and BMX Bandit of candy.

I apologize in advance to any teachers or future misspelled Matildas.

If I were her, I'd sign all my autographs that way. 😄

Magic is a great way to make new fiends.

Imagine naming your daughter Matilda but spelling it Ma~

Grandma was worried about falling, so she asked me to install a bar in her shower. I did it, but I think the booze will just make the problem worse.

Captain Eric #scowled. Every dating profile was the same. "Don't message me if you're under 6 arms! I'm a cephalopod gal!" That absurd romance novel was to blame. Eight Arms To Hold You had ruined dating!

He looked at the armless spots on his torso. "Should I get implants?"

#vss365

Having a breakdown while you’re playing board games with your siblings is a mid-Life cry, Sis.

kindle cover for dust & lightning by rebecca crunden; image shows a dark planet in purple lighting, a moon in the background, volcano canyons below

🚀 spaceships
🌡️ dark conspiracies
🎭 brotherhood
❌ no romance
🐛 strange creatures
🤖 futuristic
🪐 other worlds
🐈 a rescue cat

🔖 universal link: mybook.to/schU
💌 itch.io link: rebecca-crunden.itch.io/dust-lightning
📖 goodreads: www.goodreads.com/book/show/56...

[ 🪐📚💙 ]

People don’t know their friends’ phone numbers anymore because they let their phone remember that for them. Just imagine people breaking their memory glasses and suddenly not knowing *anything.*

Woohoo! Thank you so much! 🤩

I’ll email you after work today.

This burrito wrapper says it’s made with "grass-fed cheddar."

Um... Am I supposed to be feeding my cheese? I left a block of Gouda in the backyard but it's not grazing or anything.

‘Aww. Your dog looks so sad with her tail between her legs and all.’

‘Yeah. Had to reprimand her for causing #mischief.’

‘What’d she do?’

‘Chased a kid on a bike.’

‘So you gave her the ol’ bad dog routine scolding.’

‘Yeah. And I took away her bike.’

#vss365

A guy in my writing group got a black line tattooed on his arm. When we asked what it was, he said he wanted an em dash his editor could never take away.

The Doom Tapes: And More Science Fiction Stories The Doom Tapes: And More Science Fiction Stories [Schmidt, D.N.] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. The Doom Tapes: And More Science Fiction Stories

If you love hard SF that focuses on accurate physics, then this… is not the book for you.

These stories feel more like a late night alien invasion movie. If you like your science fiction more “Plan 9” than “engineering plans,” you’ll love this.

#booksky #scifi

www.amazon.com/dp/B09D5YYNB8

3/3

The man scowled. “So I’m not real then, eh? If there’s no pants god, maybe pants aren’t real, either!” Grumbling, he stormed out.

Hank got up to close the door. “So strange. What was that funny word he kept saying? Pants?” He adjusted the straps of his cocktail dress. “I wonder what it means?”

2/3

Hank laughed. “Did the editor send you? Such a prankster.”

“No, I’m the genuine article!”

“You can’t be. I made him up. The experiment was to see if any god would respond to a new follower. But first, I needed a control god to establish a baseline of zero divine intervention, like a placebo.”