Mary

We are counting on you to be your constituents' voice right now. Fight this cruel abomination with everything you have.

Bukele has imprisoned tens of thousands of Salvadorans without trial or due process, raising the nation’s incarceration rate to two percent of the population — the highest in the world.

More: www.rollingstone.com/politics/pol...

Is this what stupid loser group chats are like? I wouldn't know, my group chats are full of funny hot people 🎀

Just so we're clear was it not a crisis when it was the other way around?

This IS cool and rad!

Ok but since we DO count Black women, it's really bad. So you're just being racist on main for no reason.

Reporting on history like it's 2025:

Could break-in at Watergate Hotel signal presidential overreach? Some members of Congress think so.

Napoleon's invasion of Portugal may indicate tensions in European foreign policy.

Hannibal crossing the Alps could sour relations with Rome, some believe.

My neighbors don't speak to me and none of them have "clever" wifi names. They are the best neighbors I've ever had.

I'm getting the deluxe version. We deserve it.

You know what would be great is if these weird assholes could get to know exactly one trans person and see that they're just people trying to get by like everyone else

Half of America has been shifting goal posts so hard, the Super Bowl will now be played on a 500 yard field.

Laryngitis is making me go through my shift like Harpo Marx.
Gonna hand a patient a fish.

The best thing about being a stress baker is it makes being a stress eater way cuter 🎀

If you ever see me smiling at my phone, I'm probably reading my own jokes.

Call me fajitas the way I'm making a scene in this restaurant

Xena

They never let poor Rudolph
(Rudolph!)
Join in any reindeer games
('Cause they're assholes!)

I'm just a girl

Standing in front of the American Girl Doll corporation

Asking for The Care and Keeping of You: Perimenopause

Film studios putting out all these horror movies about AI is like if Starbucks started selling pro-union mugs.

Next time someone says they don't do pronouns, I'm going to say "Oh! Like Elmo!"
I'm sure they'll find it funny.

Cactus Jackoff
Dude Lust
Manhind

Guy in the seat in front of me is trying to get his companion figure out the song in his head by humming it to her. It is Maneater by Hall and Oates. She either does not know this or is feigning ignorance. None of this is any of my business.

As music listeners share their annual Spotify Wrapped, a similar feature has been met with less enthusiasm on Pornhub.

Take the L? That feels like a lot of commitment, can I just borrow the L?

You ever pretend you're on Boiling Points to get through a social interaction? Like, what if I get $100 if I manage not to lose my shit?
Being delusional has ever been my favorite life hack.

In Halloweentown they don't say "calm your tits" they say "chill your spine"

Booked an appointment for an 87 year old woman for next week. This is how she signed off on the phone call:
"If someone hasn't shot me between the eyes for my smart mouth before then, I'll see you on Thursday"

I can't WAIT for Thursday.

This program is supported by viewers like you. Just like you. Uncannily like you.

Myth, myth!

My life hack to stay hydrated is to take a drink every time you see a meme about Stanleys.
I've peed 16 times today.