Humphrey Ghost-Kart 👻

Schrödinger’s Cat has been missing for a week. The police have declared it both a cold case and not a case.

they believe ai can be "creative" bc they think artistic people just copy stuff already around. but what actually happens is you live for 20+ years, say, study, learn, practice, read, create, start a new project, & then on a 2 hour walk an entire unique idea pops into your head from nowhere. Sry.

Supreme Court: of course states can regulate, and restrict access to, medical procedures if there’s a compelling public interest

Colorado: (bans conversion therapy for minors)

Supreme Court: no not like that, we only meant abortion

I get glitched in the matrix all the time but I don't ask for manager shit cause I'm no Kareanu

[casting for porn flick, 1930]
director: your name?
actress, bewitched: agnes
director: not loving it. and your last name?
actress, bothered: moorehead
director: perfect
actress, bewildered: huh ?

Booooo! Hissssss!

OK that's ghost and snake. I can also do elephant.

Every morning I check my email to see what corporations think I should be sad about today.

I joined a men’s support group. It’s just five guys explaining Fight Club to each other forever.

I won't ever fly a United States flag upside down. In the Navy, we fought back. Fire? Fight the ship. Flooding? Fight the ship. Attacks from hostiles? Defend the ship. Never, in all of my days would we ever think about flying the colors upside down.

We don't give up. Ever.

If I put enough hot sauce in this blue cheese dressing that expired in August, I think I'll be fine.

Did it hurt?

When you ordered Chinese for yourself but they included 3 forks and fortune cookies?

Cru a long time ago looking like the witch from sleeping beauty

one time i was on the news because they found dead people in the house across the street from me

Nervous reply guys on Bluesky are keyboard worriers.

Our safe word is “meaning.”

it's called a fleshlight because jack-o-lantern was taken

Exclusive | CBS News taps Adam Rubenstein — once ostracized at NY Times for liking Chick-fil-A — as new deputy editor Sources expect Rubenstein will effectively run the Free Press now that Weiss will be busy steering the editorial direction of shows like “60 Minutes,” “Face The Nation” and …

crazy that one of the most storied institutions in american journalism is going to be run by two people with basically no experience to do it

"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't," is the secret to a long marriage.

Replace the word "bro" with "brisket" and see how long it takes people to notice.

They'll notice straight away and call you an idiot but it's fun if you like that degrading shit.

day's cottages, north truro, massachusetts, 1984

day's cottages, north truro, massachusetts, 1984

When I say all billionaires are pussies its because I'm thinking about eating them.

only watching the supermoon for the commercials

it took a lot of hard work and dedication to completely ruin my life

Prolonged orgasm, but it's when I remember that I made extra spaghetti.

Dunno man, seems a little misleading to write an article about Trump describing activity in Portland and Chicago as “insurrection” with a 33 year old photo of a burning donut shop taken in the 1992 LA Riots (sans caption explaining that) as the header on all your posts about it.

Meme about giving value to shareholders

Sometimes I hike just to remember who I’m optimizing for.

She said I have “main character energy,” which I’m pretty sure was a diagnosis.

My therapist says I have a “Kafka complex,” which I assume means I keep turning into a bug in conversations about accountability.

Zambroni

Sunday is most certainly not my fun day, I say as I run into my crypt and slam the heavy door behind me.

Breaking down in tears at the McDonald's drive through when the man switched my 2 Mcdoubles to 2 double cheeseburgers because they are buy one get one for $1, and I'm just not used to being loved like this.