It must have been wonderful to jack off in the English countryside back in the day. Gabled gates and flower gardens, cobbled stone walls. No microplastics. None of that noisy Reggaeton from the street below. Window open. Just pounding away.

wwhy shrek is piss.

i don't want a lot for christmas
cuz i am a centipede
blending in with carpet patterns
scooting on my many feet

only reason people like a ladybug is it's got that huge mrs incredibles ass in tow

As my family gather and talk and eat and catch up and share quality time together, I am thankful to be 100% in my own head on the 13th hour straight of imagining yoda's eyes widening as the car bumper rushes towards him without slowing.

MY BALLS ARE NORMAL

Whose woods these are I think I know.
He's Mario's evil cousin though.

I bet English people call their father something CRAZY. probably Mister Parent

the h in ghost is actually a little ghost waving to you

Just found out about object permanence. This is gonna save me a TON of money

squirrel: hey can i get that acorn in your yard

dog: no can do amigo

squirrel: why

dog: i don’t know but i need you to understand that i have a massive problem with it

We taught our raccoons sign language and the first thing they said was "The trouble is, you think you have time.”

I'M GOING TO THROW UYP

if you don't get to play Bach keyboard pieces drunk you are missing out on something important. the glimpse of the divine amidst the slime of the temporal. oh, you reveal to me the face of God? you mean perhaps His Ass??

Monday: The Workman's Curse

Tuesday: The Day of Bastards

Wednesday: Heavy is the Burden of Sisyphus

Thursday: The Second Day of Bastards

Friday: Business in the Front, Party in the Back

Saturday: Me Old Ham, My Good Time Charlie

Sunday: Fairweather Friend

log on for free telehealth online eye exam today! :) we will not zoom deep into the eyes. we will not map your unique capillaries. we will not estimate thickness OR moistness of your retina. we will not do metadata re: your eyes. we will not sell location of your eyes to dark web.

wanna take Mare Pete on a date to the ZOO :)

When you have the true money mindset you don't see money. Instead of a sprinkle of coins you see two handsome shoes. Two shoefuls of coins is a delectable sofa. A wagon of coins is an alluring car and a carful of coins? It can be a scrumptious house.

this will be gibberish to you unless you see with the money eye

you never see a commercial for onions. everyone just kinda knows about them

our hollow earth is inhabited by a race of beautiful slut geniuses

read of number so large and now am scared about it ??

The bullfrog in a tweed suit whose land I live on, came by to tell me they were busy planting this year's carrots. He proudly told me he still employs two gardeners, as his father did, though "only one maid." He then observed the rising spring sun and said "it's all diminishing."

It’s the month before 9/11 and life is still simple. You’re with your friends, all dressed up in Corelli costumes, waiting in a long line for opening night of Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Later you’ll hit Denny’s for a late night Grand Slam, then play Captain Corelli’s Mandolin 3 on PS2 till morning

theyare persecuting me because my character "Horny Mr. Bean" is too rhetorically powerful

the average Beer. is drinked by One american every One minute. now multiplu that by six and subtract your age..

your not allowed to get mad at me I'm literally a metrosexual 🥺

Pope Bread