Paulie Giamonkey

I WILL win the lottery and I WILL use the money to make Minions a scientific reality

every day a new me is born. emerging from a disgusting cocoon i spun the night before

👀

need to be put to bed with the weird alcohol milk that Daniel Plainview gives his deaf son

Last time I ate shrooms I made a scary face at myself in the mirror just to be silly and I got really scared

BB King’s full name was Beep Boop King and he was King of the robots

Computer, activate my flight or flight response whichever seems right to you

The bogus claim in Jurassic Park that T. Rex vision is "motion-based" isn't just absurd — it's liable to get someone killed

Forgot my fluoride pill this morning and I can already feel the precious calcium crust eroding from my pineal gland

Friday baby, time to delve deep into the secret caverns beneath my earthen mound

Yugioh doing Cher voice: do you believe in the heart of the cards?

Fantastic

🫣

To remedy this situation I have hired a team of scientists, lobbyists, and crisis actors to expand the definition of Nail in every possible way.

As a guy that swings a hammer for a living (a million dollars per swing) you might think everything looks like a nail to me. The sad truth of it is that I remain painfully aware of the many non-nail objects and entities that exist in this world.

Letting the bastards grind you down feels so good when you don’t have the resilience of the human spirit in your ear telling you to persevere

Ummm actually, humanity is the collective soul of an evil god that was severed into billions of pieces and exiled on this world

You got a fast car. I want a ticket to Tokyo. Maybe we can make it drift. Maybe together we can Tokyo Drift.

This just in: a juvenile rabbit has just met my new garden gnome

We have no idea who Tom was or what sort of foolery he got up to, but we continue to feel the reverberations of it in every act of whimsy, every bout of horseplay, every spark of lighthearted mischief which briefly beats back the darkness of this all-too-serious world.

These so called journalists always know which side their bread gets buttered on

My cousin wrote a dubstep opera in 2012 but the feds blackbagged him for it and burned down his house so they could blame it on a “meth lab accident” he is still in gitmo

Unlock premium dreams tonight with this exclusive offer for a 3 month free trial of Dreamtime+ (with ads)

I was born in the small town of Viva in the great state of Las Vegas

Ratatouille was based on a real life situation but they don’t want you to know that because the chef had a serious neurological disease

My buddy at the NSA says there is a 24/7 livefeed of every person who is currently eating while watching youtube

Everyone wants to be cool and calm until its time to be collected
-the Collector

My dreams are all coming true (for free with ads)

cranial access technology that allows for the safe removal the brain so that we can polish it like a rock and stick it back in