Shawn Carlow

I have secured a ride to the airport later this week. I have consumed string cheese. I did both things simultaneously. Take THAT, alcoholic high school guidance counselor who forgot to send my transcripts to the colleges I applied to.

Enjoy the blood of the living.

I found a bunch of skins shed near the foundation to our place. I can only conclude that a family of onions is living there.

Asked the Honda Helpful people about helping to reinstate the assault rifle ban. Anyway, I got a Honda key ring.

YouTube video by kookabugga How to catch a kangaroo

I could watch this all day long.

youtu.be/6P1vf_7DoLA

"If every immigrant, legal or no, worked tirelessly together to find a cure for the most pressing issue of our time, male pattern baldness, perhaps I would not feel as I do." -Stephen Miller

I will never hire a robot, but my trained army of squirrel bartenders, wiping out your glass with their tail, are now ready to thrill and amaze.

It’s a good day when I can lay my head on the pillow at night and know with certainty that I’ve Been Best.

Per the Melanian first-term FLOTUS doctrines, I continue to strive to Be Best.

shot for shot remake of Signs (2002) but the aliens’ weakness is la croix

Gonna hire some very attractive actors to roam my funeral saying things like "He saved my orphange from those greedy developers" "He didn't want me to tell anyone but he funded vaccines for my entire neighborhood".

Way cheaper than actually doing those things.

Air BnB - AI visuals + “write me a song that sounds like ‘Magical Mystery Tour.’”

The 2022 Downton Abbey movie, A New Era, vs. 2023’s Expendables 4. Sure, both were critically acclaimed, but do you know which had the higher corset budget?

My top 5 favorite Beach Boys songs:

5- Surf Blitz in Aptos
4- My Dad's Surf Wave Could Beat Up Your Dad's Surf Wave
3- My Board Hit a Rock (Long Recovery)
2- Extremely Cautious Surf Party
1- Surfin' Cuban Missile Crisis

DOCTOR: We need to talk about your blood sugar

ME: I’m all ears dollface

HIM: Get out

I've invented an energy drink that's mostly taurine and rice pilaf.

JD Vance, probably.

My daughter Chlorinia could use a nickname. Thx.

Note: Contains two insults per bag.

I went to buy some torches to drive a mad scientist out of our town, but all they had were tiki, and we ended up having a party, and now the mad scientist and I are best friends.

Ever since I saw the movie Jaws I’ve been terrified of going into the ocean with a canister of compressed air in my mouth.

Ravioli are just savory Gushers

Somebody made these bananas very angry.

"Enough with the water works."

--My grandmother, when she wanted my grandfather to retire after 39 years with the water works.

my desire to want to know what bologna sounds like is only outweighed by my desire to not want to ruin my record player

It still wouldn’t have stopped their spokesperson from molesting kids.

You’re so fresh.

I bought an essential oil diffuser and now my dog wears a fedora and vapes in my living room all day.

It’s the second anniversary of the discovery of a body of a hiker in the Alps, who was missing since 1986, who was found after a glacier thawed out. Although scientists are still trying to determine if it was an accident or if the hiker was too cheap to pay for the services of a cryogenics company.