Crunkolas Driverton

A very sleepy, groggy looking Elmo

Being awakened by a call from your boss, who's actually sitting in your office, looking directly at you

There are too many people who will never experience the catharsis of smashing a phone receiver down repeatedly after hanging up on someone.

Every time I’ve said “I’m sorry to disturb you,” has been a lie.

my circadian rhythm, doctor. please…. she is so very sick

Walking around the house with no shirt on like I’m my dad.

my core broke off the engagement

If anyone asks, the incident in the alley was a fun and realistic recreation of Sonny Corleone’s death scene.

A baby being held improperly and a baby being held properly (at the top of their head like the person's trying to unscrew a jar of pickles) caption: don't tell me how to lift my baby

Don't tell me how to lift my baby

Looking for a job that pays me to imagine catastrophic scenarios

i detached your quote but in my mind i was detaching you from the space station while you were out fixing a panel

A yogurt parfait cup with granola on top appears to have a sad face formed by blueberries and a curved slice of strawberry.

woegurt

imposter hole digger

what's great about staring at a wall is that if you forget what you're doing, you're still doing it

i never realized a lot of being an adult involves letting people be assholes to you

i like the occasional slice of sourdough so husband keeps us stocked 365 just in case, and i’m here to tell you that some things are better than diamonds

Intricately detailed B&W image depicting the Trojan Horse

POV: You have inadvertently asked me a very casual question in passing, about a topic I'm currently fixated on

I'm too nice to know this much about Office Suite

Recognize her humanity, bitches love that shit.

Using my E-Z pass on the toll road to nowhere.

Giving off a lot more heat than light lately.

we gotta say "not today, Satan" because empanada was already taken

Flirting never gets easier. Just asked a woman at urgent care if she comes here often.

When I was little, my mom used to come home from work, go straight to her room, and lie down by herself in the dark. I get it now.

*opens eyes* well this sucks

I’m alone in my basement dancing to Leonard Cohen at 6:30am and my mental health has never been better.

is there anything better than a corn dog? don't answer that

not a hollaback girl, but not yet a hollaback woman

It's a big beautiful world full of books you haven’t read yet.