EmoG

Cicadas out here sounding like a million tiny vuvuzelas at a World Cup final.

True.

Adulthood is basically just walking around the house muttering, “Where the hell is that noise coming from?”

Every paranormal video:
1% ghost footage
99% dude whispering “did you hear that?” to another dude who definitely didn’t

I’m like the Pete Davidson of Friday nights because somehow I’m here, and no one understands why.

“Delete. Delete. Delete.” — my motto, my method, my memoir.

Sure, reboot Superman again. But this time, he’s got IBS, a Prius, and a podcast.

Text “STOP” to activate Hammer Time.

It’s the last day of a 4-day weekend and I’m spending it the same way I started it: in denial and sweatpants.

The 3rd of July is basically just the dress rehearsal for my neighbor’s illegal fireworks show.

I removed two flies from the house without harming them. Will my Nobel Peace Prize be delivered, or do I have to pick it up somewhere?

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down—mostly because I keep forgetting my umbrella and will to live.

The weekend ended so fast I didn’t even get to pretend I was going to be productive.

Sunscreen instructions: ‘Reapply every 80 minutes.’
Me: (remembers at hour 6, already medium-well)

When she asks, ‘What's that smell?’ ‘Your bootyhole’ is not a good answer. I know this now.

Fighting the urge to turn on my windshield wipers in the car wash.

Allergy meds are like: ‘Congrats, you can smell flowers again—but you’ll be smelling them in your dreams, because you’re unconscious for 14 hours!’

It's only Wednesday? It feels like it should be next Friday.

Hot singles in your area want access to your swimming pool

It’s so hot, even my thoughts are sticking to each other.

Monday is proof that time isn’t real and we’re just trapped in a simulation run by someone who hates us.

Jaws forever harmed the image of a truly noble creature.

Yet ever since I saw it, I’ve been terrified of getting into a boat with Richard Dreyfuss.

Stepped outside for a minute. Won’t make that mistake again.

It’s Friday and I’m a party animal because I said ‘yes’ to the CVS receipt survey.

I opened my fridge, forgot why, and just stood there like a Sims character waiting for instructions.

The alien remains have been at Area 52 this whole time. It was just a typo.

The storm got so bad that I called my ex and told her to watch out for falling houses.

Nothing like dropping your phone on your face to remind you who’s really in charge.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads doing dad things. I’m not a dad, but I have made terrible puns and fallen asleep with the TV on, so spiritually, I’m close.

Mandatory Saturday at work: because five days of soul erosion just wasn’t enough.