Jemma

we haven’t had a big boat stuck in a while and I think we’re all feeling the pent up frustration of that

We call our downstairs neighbor American Express because he’s everywhere you want to be.

Another day, another diatribe

A mixture of mortification, shame, self loathing 🥲

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

The Germans have a word for when you say something that comes across wrong and there’s no way to fix it without making it worse and you think about it for days afterwards.

I've reached the age where adventures cease rollicking

Oh, I’m familiar with football minutes aka We now join Punky Brewster already in progress.

Would it kill you to communicate you effing ignoramus

Aioli is just mayonnaise that studied abroad.

Only one?

Just a mom, waiting in line at Target at midnight, Sensodyne in her purse.

#thelifeofashowgirl

I’ve come to realize that herons are a-holes

🧵Spotted on a recent Beach Walk in Aotearoa New Zealand:

A tiny human (2?) is toddling along the tideline, dragging a string bag behind him. Whenever he sees a promising shell he picks it up, inspects it and then carefully places it in his bag with the seriousness such an undertaking deserves. (1)

Who you are when you’re talking to a jigsaw puzzle is the real you.

She wore them acid-wash jeans
Sensible clogs with the fur
The whole Sam’s Club was looking at her

You might think closing down the museum for the night is the scary part, but it’s opening up the museum after the night that’s the scary part.

If you were a tea bag, you would be Constant Comment.

The number of sponges in the sink implies a much cleaner kitchen than the one I see

Betrayed by my key fob

Recently moved into my grandparents home and keep catching myself looking at mirrors that are no longer on the walls

We could all use a little Una Paloma Blanca right about now.

It takes a lot of villages to raise this many idiots.

I don’t like tomatoes but find being offered “tomaters,” even more offensive.

You don’t realize when you have a baby that you will worry about that baby until you die.

28% of Americans believe it’s not butter

I knew you were trouble when you yelled hello through my open bathroom window.

ASMR: Your daughter getting ready for work at 3 AM

Every time Waze yells at me to “WATCH OUT!” I almost drive off the road.