Alice McFlurry

No godzillas No masterzillas

The vibe of the day is the Hitachi Magic Wand.

[frantically running into the kitchen to assess the situation only to see you've moved on to slathering a creamy white substance all over the bread]

I bet the inventor of the gif pronounced gherkin like jerkin.

You need to be really smart to be able to play this dumb.

The mechanic is always trying to upsell me on tire rotations and I’m like nice try but that's literally what those things do.

Apparently November 12th is when I post all of my dumb jokes about MTV's Cribs.

I want to get "famous" enough to go on MTV's Cribs so I can take them on a tour of my "home" which is CLEARLY just rooms in an IKEA.

I’m very bad with names and internally associate people by notable attributes and that makes me live in fear of bumping into them and needing to introduce them to my husband.

This is my husband, Kevin.

Kevin, these are our neighbors, GossipMom and Mustache.

I was just criticized for showing my cards, but if you had an extensive collection of Garbage Pail Kids, you'd be showing them off too.

The difference between yoga and Pilates is yoga is people farting on exercise mats and Pilates is people farting on exercise equipment.

Why do they call it dry humping when you still end up with semen all over your school uniform?

I feel like Japan is probably already on it, but they're gatekeeping.

Request for a tomato shaped like a slice of bread.

If you wanna get with this, roll on up with a weighted blanket and then leave me alone with the blanket, babe.

Kia is so dumb for announcing it's Kia Season because you KNOW I’m gonna start huntin' some Sportages.

Football and basketball time clocks are why I have trust issues.

When I first started dating my husband, he had a twin bed and it was super awkward trying to fit on it, especially with his twin brother always being there.

American Girl Doll Nicki next to American Woman Human Alice. Both wearing a baseball cap, ringer tee, jumper dress, flannel shirt, tube socks, and sneakers.

Target was selling American Girl doll costumes so I'd like to remind everyone about who did it first because this was my costume from February of 2023 after I learned they released an American Girl doll from the "historical" 1990s and I already had almost all of the clothes in my closet.

Nice guys finish last because they want to ensure the other person finishes first.

Don’t forget to fall forward and spring back!

I keep getting targeted ads for wine fridges that hold like 50 bottles but that seems excessive because I can only drink like three bottles a night or five at most.

Normalize saying "I don’t know enough about the topic to be able to comment."

Exactly the point of my joke.

People who talk about how others are toxic are often the most toxic people of all.

I hate the sound of joy.

Whenever I see anyone sucking on their vape, I like to say "Sweet Tamagotchi, bruh."

Proposition for a new and more accurate shipping status called:
"Label printed. Will probably sit on a desk for a couple of business days and THEN we'll start packaging your order."

Why would I buy a Cybertruck when I can just sext people from the back of my Prius?

I still have the Goo Shooter demo tape.