anton

Even sexier when we cultured Americans really draw out the pronunciation: “look, it’s a Fraaaaaaaaanch crocodile”

* wife pushes me in its path and runs away *

help me early retirement you're my only hope

ZOOKEEPER: So our last snake is our yellow Burmese python

ME: *way too loud* A bananaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

this joke is so dad it uses the term “knucklehead”

Wearing a slinky like a boa while throwing myself down the stairs.

The daily horrors are meant to manipulate us into becoming weary, disillusioned, and apathetic but not to brag, I have been all those things since I found out sea monkeys were just brine shrimp

me: *opens door*

pantry: *sounds of an ancient evil*

me: *closes door*

pantry: (muffled now) hey come on

me as a Bluesky therapist

(mute)

Sometimes a normal hug doesn't seem enough. Sometimes you need to just squeeze them hard so they know you care. Squeeze so hard their eyes pop out and OH FUCK I'VE DONE IT AGAIN.

not wearing a bra to the hospital feels a little illegal everyone please avert your eyes these are my bedroom boobs

Look I can offer you awkward silence or awkward conversation the choice is yours

i’m not tired, i’m just permanently buffering

what does one send someone with a recovering butthole these days?

Picture of an AARP Premium Heavy Weight Cotton Boat Tote in classic white with red handles taken on a wooden deck set in a small verdant forest.

Then just imagine this beaut of a heavy weight cotton boat tote hanging next to your ‘Hail Lord Xenu’ vintage tote.

how many likes do i need to get for the yoyo

only if you get the free tote bag when signing up

[opens rat poison]
ROUND AND ROUND
me: whoa
EVERY ROSE HAS IT'S THORN
me: wtf

Everything becomes sexier if you add the word French to it.
Fries. Kiss. Crocodile...

that's NOT just a catch basin for drainage, that's a French drain sexying up my yard

😂 'night

If someone gives me shit I just tell them I have old man strength and I fight dirty

I mean, c'mon, depreciation SHOULD be the opposite of appreciation. Deprecation sounds like you're constipated or something.

😂😂

when I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

miss that dude

Two cowboys working out their feelings on Brokeback Mountain, one of whom is most certainly a bot, with a text overlay stating "I wish I knew how to CTRL+ALT+DEL you".

I know you are a bot but I love you.

love shack
anger cottage
panic yurt
sorrow hovel
shame hole

barring bad weather, more like barring life, am i right?

*said in rodney dangerfield voice*

I don't get no respect at all!

she was the gee to my willikers