Neil Parmesan

"conjoined twin separator cream" yields zero Google shopping results. Saved you the trouble.

Impress your date after they passionately tell you about their thesis regarding the ethical implications of genetic engineering by blurting out "I SEEN A APE".

I'd rather dump angry beetles down the front of my tighty whities than listen to "Lay Down Sally".

"If I could save bime in a tottle." - dyslexic Jim Croce

here’s to hoping I will not be too much of a dumb fuck today

(morning prayer)

I wanna live with a cinnamon, girl.

Commas are important.

Would love to retire but the cruel joke is that I'm now too old to supplement my income by shaking my money maker weekends at The Dirty Manhole.

Nothing is really inedible if you put your entire being into it.

You're missing out on a lot of opportunities if you don't keep a bullhorn next to you in the car.

I just got served an eviction notice on my blanket fort. The landlord wants to level everything and put in a sectional.

Drumpf announced 25% tariffs on all steel and aluminum coming into the US Monday, along with retaliatory tariffs to be announced later so if you haven’t gotten your pitchfork yet you might want to run out and grab one.

"I guess maybe them biscuits and gravy had turned" thought farmer Jed as he threw up into his straw hat at the Walmart.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don't throw your back out.

I'll be on the veranda thinking about the atrium and considering improvements to the vestibule.

Fuck that guy. Let’s all chip in and buy X. We’ll turn it into a water park or maybe a Costco

We had this guy tune our piano by ear. He spent four years at our house one night.

I'm thinking of having myself coppiced in the early spring and sprouting fresh from the ankles.

Got kicked out the coven again for trying to roast marshmallows over the sacrificial fire.

I'll be attending the big Diction Expo 2025 this weekend. Featured speakers include Bob Dylan and Sylvester Stallone.

I try to avoid politics here but Jesus fucking Christ fuck this South African billionaire Nazi idiot of a president and his idiot chimp boy Trump.

She sent me off brand emojis, and now I’m re-evaluating my life

Welcome to your mid 50s, you now have the gait of a mortally wounded velociraptor.

You're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you over all this impending doom.

I'd embrace the chaos but I don't think it's a hugger.

Something went wrong. You did something without fully paying attention to what you were doing. So foolish. So preventable. So senseless. So irreversible. You mistook horseradish for mayo.