@quartzjixler.bsky.social
Him: You smell amazing.
Me: Thanks, it’s garlic bread.
Here’s something political:
Go fuck yourself.
*mutes all the political skeets*
Me: This is nice.
I’ve got your tariffs right here.
*gestures at boobs*
If he doesn’t want to see your tariffs, they aren’t worth the price increase.
02.02.2025 18:31 — 👍 15 🔁 9 💬 0 📌 0Canadian buttholes are the best kind of buttholes.
02.02.2025 18:12 — 👍 33 🔁 15 💬 2 📌 0Tariff this butthole.
02.02.2025 17:07 — 👍 30 🔁 14 💬 0 📌 0What base is it when your vagina makes him nervous?
31.01.2025 03:19 — 👍 17 🔁 6 💬 1 📌 1Woke up with a vagina again.
31.01.2025 14:22 — 👍 26 🔁 9 💬 1 📌 0My only limit is my imagination.
And my lack of ability.
And my apathetic personality.
Tazed by the sheriff of Funkytown
02.02.2025 14:47 — 👍 230 🔁 78 💬 14 📌 3I love the smell of coffee and butthole skeets first thing in the morning.
02.02.2025 15:24 — 👍 31 🔁 15 💬 0 📌 0Came for the wine moms, stayed for the butthole skeets.
01.02.2025 22:35 — 👍 26 🔁 13 💬 0 📌 0Hot wine moms on Bluesky are posting butthole skeets.
01.02.2025 20:24 — 👍 33 🔁 13 💬 0 📌 2people who pull the bed covers anywhere up above the neck are pretending to be uncircumcised dicks when they go to sleep prove me wrong
02.02.2025 06:08 — 👍 99 🔁 47 💬 4 📌 0The beauty of alcohol is that it enables you to say whatever you want. The bad part about alcohol is that it enables you to say whatever you want
02.02.2025 10:19 — 👍 27 🔁 4 💬 0 📌 0Buttholes need goodnight kisses too.
02.02.2025 05:47 — 👍 21 🔁 11 💬 0 📌 0*wakes up on February 1st*
Me: Thank fuck January is done.
January was longer than a pair of tits on Twitter.
01.02.2025 17:37 — 👍 17 🔁 11 💬 0 📌 0Shooing my Roomba out of the kitchen like Ma Ingalls 2.0
25.01.2025 10:53 — 👍 122 🔁 51 💬 2 📌 0My chihuahua's basically a tiny cartel kingpin who's scared of the rain.
26.01.2025 10:50 — 👍 870 🔁 114 💬 30 📌 2"I haven't been this sexually aroused since the time Spock pretended to seduce a Romulan commander whilst Kirk, disguised as a Romulan centurion, stole the cloaking device from a Romulan ship, thus saving the USS Enterprise from imminent destruction"
"Ma'am, please pull forward to the next window"
I keep my shower really clean by encouraging my family to bathe in the river.
27.01.2025 13:13 — 👍 166 🔁 68 💬 6 📌 0According to HR I'm no longer allowed to say "Something wicked this way comes" when our boss arrives at work.
29.01.2025 10:25 — 👍 359 🔁 81 💬 14 📌 0Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder name a better couple
31.01.2025 07:43 — 👍 260 🔁 68 💬 46 📌 0The main reason I never light up a room is because I don't own a flamethrower.
31.01.2025 09:00 — 👍 299 🔁 99 💬 8 📌 1If running has taught me anything, it’s that I have the hips of an old German Shepherd.
29.01.2025 21:50 — 👍 314 🔁 86 💬 12 📌 1I don’t need any help. I can make terrible decisions all on my own.
30.01.2025 12:36 — 👍 107 🔁 32 💬 4 📌 0Like one of those Thai ping pong ball shows, but it’s a woman I paid five hundred bucks to fire meatballs into my mouth from across the room.
30.01.2025 21:22 — 👍 60 🔁 20 💬 10 📌 2
