kelly

We’re getting rid of leaf blowers by eating 50 leaves a day each. Get out there

breaking news the feds found 6, possibly 7 random assholes who wanted some attention

you take the blue pill, and you'll become drowsy, then wake up in your bed. in addition to relieving your headache, fever, and cough.

you take the red pill, you experience relief for those same symptoms. but you won't get sleepy

I want to tie myself to train tracks and let a train run over me every time someone says that they like Gavin Newsom because he trolls Trump

It really should not go unremarked that Mike Johnson *just admitted that the President of the United States is unwell.*

ok i guess i'll just die then :)

no fucking way.

the 2025 American dream is to be able to afford all the streaming services necessary to watch both the Premier League and the NFL

Imagine being a highly decorated starred general who has moved up the ranks over 30+ years being lectured on military ethos by a twice-fired millennial, alcoholic weekend news host. I'm sure they're going to love that.

Why do headlines say "norms shattered" when what is meant is "laws broken" or "Constitution violated"?

I cannot express how wild this quote is. This is a top tech analyst at a well-regarded firm saying that there is not enough capital to actually pay for all the stuff that NVIDIA and OpenAI has promised. It is so important that everybody realizes that *there is not enough money to do this*

okay, this is starting to get eerie. because yesterday at the store i bought a can of beans for $2.29. that was a number as well

Mario Guevara

If you were concerned about Kimmel, here's another for you…

Journalist Mario Guevara has been detained for 100+ days, ironically arrested as he reported on a "No Kings" protest.

The Trump-Vance admin just issued an order of final removal, to send him to El Salvador—where he fled from 21 years ago.

seems to me the main reason bluesky has a lot of desperately unhappy people freaking out about politics and world affairs on it instead of being like twitter was in the middle of the last decade is that you are using and discussing it in 2025 instead of in the middle of the last decade

Like the kind of girl Trump drew on Epstein’s birthday card, or a different kind

my wife sprays me with a water bottle when she hears me typing above 100 wpm

What's your secret to being online all the time without contracting computer madness? For me it's being pure of heart

they need to stop making all these different movies. just make one movie where everything happens

Charlie Kirk would be happy to know that he was killed by a qualified white man and not a DEI hire

Sorry, folks. Sounds like the civil war has been postponed due to white shooter

Update: Civil War cancelled due to shooter being demographically uncooperative

Time to break out the chart

Yesterday: Charlie Kirk will lay in state in the Rotunda. He is New Jesus.

Today: Ballroom looks great doesn't it