Norm

welp it’s time for me to put my brain in a bowl by the bed so it can soak overnight

what if the groundhog is just trolling us

It’s so funny that this guy’s entire thing is “Oh are you triggered by what I have to say about marginalized people” but he loses it when someone more well-liked than he will ever be talks about an actual injustice

Scarlett’s Johansson looking really exhausted

when you’re exhausted and a 5-year-old wants to show you his new monster trucks

I’m not a magician but I do have a pretty magical touch

My culinary skills include not burning cocktails.

I'm cold and depressed, I'm coldpressed. I have become juice.

what if I wanna find out before I fuck around what then

I love how every day is every day

please👏do👏not👏wear👏a👏hoodie👏if👏you👏aren't👏committed👏to👏making👏the👏hoodie👏strings👏the👏same👏length👏

Drank too much coffee and now if I shake my head fast enough my hair whispers secrets

I should stop trying to do anything and go live in a tree

Will practice random acts of weirdness.

I try to suffer in silence although sometimes I martyr under my breath.

If you're gonna gast my flabbers, it better knock me ass over tea kettle and leave me wondering about the grand finale

That sinking feeling you get when your feet are bound to a couple of cinder blocks and the dinghy drops you off somewhere deep in the middle of the ocean.

Children need to be exposed to healthy, heteronormative role models like an adult man with a "cave" in the garage lined with pornography and his wife who collects hilarious text art about how she chugs wine because you were born.

Fuck, I saw my shadow ban & now have 6 more weeks of shitass engagement

I've spent all day calling the baby deer farm but nobody picked up the fawn.

Q: what’s worse than a nemesis?

A: nemesiblings

Happy Ground Hog Day!!! (Just some ground beef)

#groundhogday

in the post-apocalyptic future the only music available to us will exist on kmart-branded cassette tapes filled with easy listening classics by the king of the tiki hut

pls leave more crumbs in the cream cheese tub it’s not like my sanity is hanging on by a thread

the poop in bebé’s diaper saw it’s own shadow

my grandma was so fun she could speak to owls she was my hootinnanny

accidentally made a cloning
device instead of a teleporter
and im totally beside myself

it’s not fair i can’t control things with my mind

Maybe if they’d been more of a yesbility instead of a nobility they would’ve kept their heads

“I’m more worried about reality than fiction.”