Ygrene

we owe so much to tim apple

*puts on reading glasses*
time to post

BREAKING: Viewers of “Melania” Documentary Receive Call Telling Them They Will Die in 7 Days

wife: [making hot chocolate] and now the marshmallows from THIS pack are missing!?

billy: [whittling down a toothpick] huh… hey fetch me a lighter will ya sweets

me: *opens door*

pantry: *sounds of an ancient evil*

me: *closes door*

pantry: (muffled now) hey come on

me: (talking out loud while i write in my diary) today was ok, i just wish i could have eaten more breadsticks

waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird

[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

i immediately feel my throat start to tighten

i'm learning that there are actual science reasons as to why this occurs and not that the handrails are sentient and devious :\

I like to hold on tight and let the handrail drag me up the stairs. Is it practical? No. Does it hurt like hell? Yes. Do the mall kiosk people try to sell me things after they see me do that? Not a chance in hell

UPDATE: i am still highly allergic to falling off of cliffs. please do not serve me any food that's been prepared by someone falling off of a cliff. thank you

hey escalator handrails that go faster than the escalator stairs, what are you doing

Three panel comic. Panel 1: gym setting. One guy sees another guy across the gym with huge muscles. He remarks, “whoa! That dude is yolked!” Panel 2: a girl working out next to him says, “ugh, why do guys even want to get that big?” Panel 3: the extremely jacked guy is walking away with a slight smile. He is imagining himself dapping up a group of huge gorillas who are all happy and smiling, accepting him as one of their own.

give your loved one the view they deserve and an experience that will last forever

[harp music]

Glassket™ the See-Through Casket®

me: *opens door*

pantry: *sounds of an ancient evil*

me: *closes door*

pantry: (muffled now) hey come on

my fitness goals are such that i set the treadmill speed to Ice Cream Truck

as a kid, i thought there were perfectly shaped, livable caves laying around all over the place

everything may be extremely troubling but at least you didn’t join threads and that’s something to be proud of.

punxsutawney phil (just had visions of pestilence, blood rain, malignant false idols, stillborn livestock): uuuh 6 more weeks of winter

a single huge ravioli

The orcas have discovered fire.

[upbeat zohran voice] I'm here at the Palace of Justice in Nuremberg, Germany, where 80 years ago some important progressive work started [smash cut] but hasn't ended. So here's what we're doing:

Things will only get better
If you put on a sweater

i'm so mad about this

Nobody boos
When you wear shoes

I didn’t know I needed this today, but it’s like I’ve been seen in the best way. I’m not alone. 😏

Your day is enhanced
When you remember your pants

that would be neat if there were a sound instead of words option for select emojis

remember everyone, today is a good day to get your peacock monthly subscription so you can easily cancel it right after the olympics and not get billed for a second month

!!!